Bullying

Recently, one of my old school mates posted this link on facebook and I was so touched by it, that of course I shared it on my page and so on.  It's called Memoirs of a Bullied Kid from a blog called Single Dad Laughing.  He's a comedian, but his stuff is often serious and this post is brutally serious.  

The ensuing discussion we had on FB reminded me that not only were there those kids we remember who were the targets of bullying (relentlessly and mercilessly targeted), but most of us experienced it to some degree or another. And it dredges up feelings of hurt and anger and fear that we continue to carry.

On FB, people shared their stories of being bullied and how it sticks with them even today, and has also shaped, to some degree their opinion of themselves and their grown-up concept of self worth.  I'm not asking you to share your painful bullying (either giving or receiving memories), unless of course you want to... but reflect on this:  How can we change this trend?  What are the responses that need to be happening to prevent it?  How can we best help kids who are both bully and bullied?  This guy had an amazing and compassionate view of the bully.  Please, please use the link above and read his post.

We had a response from one of our teachers who said she just told kids to "knock it off and treat each other the same".  Clearly, that approach doesn't work.

The other day, on the Ellen show (she's doing some PSA's and awareness work on bullying), Actress Minnie Driver was on the show and said she met someone as an adult who had bullied her for over 5 years.  She said, after she had had a couple of drinks, with no animosity, she approached the woman and asked "Do you remember how things were in school?" and the woman replied with all of the typical surface fluff about the good old days.  Minnie said "No, I mean, the years of bullying when you...X, Y, Z.  Why did you do that?"  She said the woman was flabbergasted but was able to articulate what SHE was going through at the time and how threatened she felt and why she reacted as she did.  It was a healing moment for both of them.

I've noticed with my own HS classmates that as we have aged, for the most part, with few exceptions, we have grown up, and are far more inclusive with ALL of our classmates than we ever were in school.  Most (not all) of the barriers of who was "in" and who was "out" and who's popular etc are breaking down.  Each reunion is more fun, and each reunion sees far more "cross-clique" mixing.

Are there people from childhood that you need to ask those questions of?  "Why did you do this to me, I need to understand?", or are there students that you need to say to "I know that I did this to you...it's not excusable but here's what was going on in my life then...and I am so very and deeply sorry, can you forgive me?"  Do your best as the bullied to not turn it into an accusatory fight as much as a seeking for clarity and healing for you.  Of course it is always possible that "once a bully, always a bully."  Could be your tormentor just grew up into a bigger bully and you won't find closure...only more pain.  But maybe, just maybe, they've been thinking of YOU too all these years...wishing they could go back and erase their behavior.  I know I feel that way about a LOT of my actions over my lifespan to date.

I've been bullied, and I've been at the very least, unkind to others, and certainly I've witnessed bullying and felt that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but did nothing, took no action.  I think I feel even worse about that.  Because when we stand by, and don't stand up for one another, we lose something important, our integrity.