Just Me

OK, so I'm not going to go overboard with the big reveal...it will just be in this single post. I rather still like the idea of Willow as my alter ego. And as to the question of who I am, really? The jury is still out. I don't even know that yet. But here are the basics:

My name is Cherrie Ward, I'm 48 (as of this post) and live in Rural Northeast Oregon in a little town of about 13,000 people called La Grande. And this is what I look like as of about 5 minutes ago:

More on Yesterday's "Worm in the Vodka" Dream...

I've had a few more reflections on my dream from the night before last...

With regards to the drink of Vodka, club soda and a hidden grub/slug:

Vodka is a clear alcohol (would appear innocuous)but powerfully strong. Perhaps a poison to many. And it can cause sleepiness and in some cases loss of memory. The club soda would help to dilute the perception of the strength of it or the danger of it. So I'm being given a liquid to drink by the "fancy people" like an initiation...to become one of them. To forget who I am and to comply with the norm and the status quo, but to me, for me, and in my body it is poison, not right for me. Then the grub/slug (because it really was an interesting cross between the two). The healer I saw suggested I view it as we commonly think of a slug "unevolved, undeveloped", which could represent the state of being I was being asked to "swallow". From there I also took it to represent being asked to swallow something distasteful and repellent. I also looked at the idea of having been tricked. Oh how I hate that!

I'm not a fan of missionary work. I'm all for humanitarian efforts, and even humanitarian efforts born from a person's faith. However, I am not a fan of the trick angle I perceive in much of it. "We will build you some homes and dig you some wells, and even build you one of our churches, and now you must hear about our god and in gratitude for all we've done, you should really accept this god and this religion as yours". Or those who invite you to a fun event and then you find out it is an event planned to get a captive audience to hear "the message" to "save your soul". That makes me extraordinarily angry. If your religion is so wonderful, you would not need tricks to convince people of it. It's like Amway or other multi-level marketing ploys. Invite them for something, don't tell them what it is really about and then when they are there and have no easy way out, share the message. I'm going to make up my own word here and any anthropologists out there can correct me with the real word. This is "religiocentric". The idea that one is so "right" in their religious belief, that any means are condoned to convert another.

So in a way, this dream could represent some of that. The idea of being invited to this fancy ball, pretending I'm "one of them" in my dress (but even that is giving me away), and being asked to become an initiate and to swallow ideas and concepts that do not work for me...trying...and then becoming angry at the trick. And I'm sure part of that anger would be at myself for even thinking of complying and giving over my power by drinking ANY of it.

The other dream where I was reading the book about elementals could, as my healer pointed out, be pointing to my study of them in my dream travels. That I perhaps have contact with them, and that is how I picked up a bunch of cosmic hitch-hikers. Or just the idea that having my head stuffed with them carried over into my dream time with wondering about them and curiosity about them.

Last night, I had a brief dream that my son had died. He was in a powder blue and gray casket. For some reason, I get the impression it had happened a while back and the mortuary had been storing his body until I decided where I wanted it. And they delivered it to my house! And we put it inside! I was wondering what he would look like if I opened the lid, but didn't. Was trying to deal with him being that close, to the reality being right there in my house. And the grief. And the mortuary also delivered a couple of small bags of tidbits, like there had been gifts dropped off there. One was a small jar of honey and another was a small Tupperware container of chocolate chip cookie dough (well someone must know me well!). In my dream book, honey represents the sweetness of life and abundance, and well, as you might imagine, cookie dough doesn't show up in the book but might mean something similar.

Now at first gasp, one might think "It's a sign, OMG it is a premonition that her son is going to die!". And, yes, it could be. But I've had many such dreams ever since he left home 8 years ago. I've even had waking dreams about his funeral...planning it...choosing songs...looking at photos. That sounds pretty morbid doesn't' it? So it could also represent my fear of the worst. He leads a chaotic and dangerous life and death is certainly a more real possibility than it might seem for the average person. I don't ever see his actual death, or how he dies, but see his funeral, see going to collect his body, see washing him one last time or holding him one last time like the Pieta. In the dream book (which ironically is called exactly that) a funeral symbolizes death of the old.

I take this to perhaps mean (because of course I don't claim to know), that I struggle with the death of my role as mother (or active role) as it is such a huge part of my identity. Not in an empty nest way because, honestly, raising him was the hardest thing I've ever done. But in the way of having to relinquish my false sense of control...the idea that I could keep him safe. And, I have only seen him once since he left home, so in some regards that feels somewhat like a death.

It could be any and all or none of these things. I may just be afraid, it could be a premonition, and my psyche could be preparing me for the ultimate in letting go through these dreams and images. It could all be symbolic.

These are some of the ways you can begin to look at your dreams and to use them for introspection. Not as hard, fast prophecy (although I suppose for some people, they are), but for self exploration and healing. Take and use what is helpful.

Interpreting Your Dreams

There are many books on this subject and it can be handy to have them around, but I always take these interpretations with a grain of salt. We are all different, so no single source for what particular symbols mean is adequate. You can use them simply as a guide to see if they give you clues as to what your subconscious might be working on. For example, very commonly, it is thought that pee dreams mean you are "pissed off". Maybe not...maybe you really do need to pee and it just gets worked into a dream because you are too deep in sleep to wake up. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar (and not a Freudian phallic symbol).

I'll try to get a bit more brave and share some of my dreams with you (somehow I always feel responsible for my dreams, like they mean I'm a weird person if they are weird), and how I go about dissecting them when I actually feel like making the effort.

For example, as you know if you've been reading along, part of my journey is to begin to live more truthfully and authentically. To learn to be OK with my psychic side and to share and help others with theirs. To be less wounded when people think I'm nuts.

So to that end...I'll share a few dreams I've had in the last couple of nights and tell you what they represent to me. I'm not a skilled dream interpreter, but I will often work with people to give impressions and see if it fits with themes they are working with.

One such dream: I'm at home and someone comes to my house with paperwork for a credit card they say I've requested. I don't speak up and say that I haven't. They are doing me this supreme favor by making a house call, so I must have requested it, right? I fill out paperwork, which of course, as you know, will have a lot of personal information, including social security etc. After he leaves (is this a lesson in male power and dominance?), I look at the paperwork and realize that they are charging 49% interest. OMG...they must be kidding (message: whatever this is pointing to, the COST IS TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY). So I decide that there is no way I'm going to ever use this credit card so I may as well cancel it now. When I go to call the number they've given me, there is already someone else on the line...another like me who has been duped into this identity theft scam. The phone has been altered so that all of us in this situation can only reach each other...we cannot dial the police or anyone else. I realize of course I must notify the police somehow and move quickly to correct this. That's about all there was to it.

So as I link this to the issues I'm working on, I could loosely say that I am struggling with my identity and the fact that I give over my power to allow others to give me my identity or take it, and perhaps a feeling of helplessness in this dilemma (I can't call for help, I can only commiserate with others like me). And it has become obvious that I must act, the price is too high to pay. How's that for dime-store analysis?

I had a healing session yesterday (on me, not by me) and feeling the energy pulse through my body was fascinating. I was buzzing...almost audibly. The healer stated something like "well, this is new...even for you...your head is full of so many beings, it's like a scene from Ghostbusters where the roof comes off and they all leave the building". I'm sticky. Wounded beings and thought forms of all types (and the variety of types might astound you), both living and dead or never having been in physical form, from various realms and locals are attracted to me. I'm like spiritual Velcro, a human dialyzer, a walking lint roller. I pick up wounded souls and wounded energy. There's a lot to say about that but is probably even more off-topic than usual for this post. Ask me more if you want to know more before I get around to actually addressing it. I have a MIGHTY maternal energy about me. And I'm an empath. Beings will, without meaning any harm, syphon energy from me, or attach to me like lost puppies because they feel safe and comforted in my energy field. The healer said she wasn't sure why my head hadn't exploded (well, there HAS been in increase in headaches lately). She also saw an image of me all bound up in straps. We discussed how I was working more on being true to who I am and living more from there, but that yes, I was still feeling restricted and held back, either by myself or by others or by my perception of others. She also mentioned I might experience detox symptoms from our session since so much was moved and cleared.

At about 4:30 this morning, I woke up pretty darn sure I was going to barf. I was trying to figure out if I should just get up and get it over with, or continue to lay there and hold perfectly still and clench my teeth (you know the feeling). I opted to lay there. I'm lazy like that. Eventually I went back to sleep.

Somewhere along the line I dreamed:

I was at a fancy dress ball like out of the movies...only my giant dress was split down the back like a hospital gown...interesting representation of the fancy facade being exposed with the real me underneath. And then someone for some reason convinced me that I had to drink exactly two full swallows of a drink (# 2 in numerology....found this link)

The drink was in a tumbler and it was approx 2 oz of vodka (again, the number 2)...I asked if I had to drink it just like that and this man said, "No, we mix it with this" (which turned out to be club soda). I drank it down and discovered a live, worm-like slug in it (not sure what that could mean...ideas?), and I spit it out and threw it at him and yelled "WHY would you DO that??? YOU FUCKER!!!!!"....room suddenly still of all the fancy people, looking at me. I would guess that to mean something about speaking up and out or truthfully even in the presence of the "fancy people" and taking the consequences of being shunned. There were whispers (Oh MY...did you hear what she just said").

Then I had just a flash of another dream. I'm engrossed in reading a book about "elementals". Not sure what that could mean either. Unless it links with the fact that some of the beings cleared from me were not human. I travel a lot in my sleep (see previous posts) and could pick up any number or type of beings from the various places and levels I go to.

Also interesting to ponder for those of you not used to such ideas, we are primed to believe that there is heaven and hell and angels and demons and there is so much more, so many levels of existence (Quantum physics often touches on multiple dimension of existence), nature beings, and celestial beings, and other terrestrial beings, those who have passed on, and even thought forms have energy (memories or impression from others can be left behind and carry almost form-like energy to them).

So that's quite a lot of self disclosure. Feeling naked now. Must go put on another layer of clothing and retreat for a while :-)

Hibernation

I should have been a bear instead of a human. Perhaps in my next life I will be one. I eat like one, hibernate in winter, don't like to shave, protect my young like one, can be just as crabby, and perhaps even at times smell like one. Other than having to live in the woods, sleep in a cave and forage for my food...and that going to the bathroom outside part, it could work!

I pretty much blew off yesterday, and my motivation for accomplishing anything worthwhile today has already waned before 9:00 a.m.!

I started reading Jane Eyre which was written in 1845. Perhaps half of the free world has already read this classic. So far I'm struggling a little with the lofty narrative and the old style language. It slows the flow for me. But It could be fine since she is a girl with some fight during a time when that was not permitted. Gotta love that in a girl! Heck...that could be what I do today...sit and read.

I had a dream last night that someone stole my identity (like in a credit card scam way)and then my phone was blocked (by them) from making outgoing calls to report it. Wonder what THAT means in the psychological world! Do you know? Perhaps after my steps to move closer to end duality in my life and to live more authentically as ME, that is where the idea of loss of identity may have come in? And perhaps being blocked from reporting it represented my fear that others would try to keep me from fully expressing who I am? Best guess. I'm not very good at dream analysis...there are just too many of them.

I started a dream journal and got weary of it in a couple of days. Took too long...too many detailed dreams flowing through.

Networking...need to put my feet up

La Grande has launched a new, local website and I'm all hip with trying to give them some love, so have submitted some of the articles I've written. And, if you go to La Grande Life on Monday, February 1st, and watch the Morning Drip video episode...you might get a glimpse of me. Yeah, I am there...somewhere.

So, I went to the local coffee shop where they were filming the Morning Drip to meet the guys and to get some pointers about how to correctly use their online editing tool for submissions. I talked to a few people and shot around ideas about how they could get more coverage, more clicks...ways to network. You would think I fancied myself a marketing person. Funny how I'm all about helping other people get their dreams off the ground and so crap-nasty at promoting myself. I'm sure there is a lesson on self-love in there somewhere for me to heed. And, I think also that being a social worker by trade and nature, local networking of resources is what we do best.

And...confession time...today needed to be a McDonald's fries day. Oh Yeah Baby...salted bliss!

Then I came home and searched out my new "friends" on MySpace and Facebook, sent some emails and even...yes, I'm saying it...I broke down and did it...I listed on my Facebook page, the links to both this blog AND my other writings. I wasn't gonna...out of fear of being judged for my thoughts and views, but I really do need to begin to live from my authentic self and let the chips fall where they may.

I already asked my husband "will you be embarrassed if your relatives find out I am psychic and talk to dead people and heal with my hands and all that strange stuff I believe in?". Being a man of many words he said "nope." I said "but what if they think I'm a weirdo, and feel sorry for you that you married me and don't like me anymore?" and he said "sound like their problem." Lordy...have I mentioned how much I love this man? See, MY family would be all about "don't embarrass our 'good name'", or worse, try to argue me into a different way of thinking...or the quiet whispers "have you seen some of the stuff she's writing? Oh My!". Not my hubby! He's all like "let your freak flag fly baby!". OK, maybe he didn't say that. That would be stringing too many words together at one time. But I know what he MEANS.

So, I've had WAY too much face-time with actual living bodies today. Face-to-face social networking....um...no thanks....not so much.

I'm still taking it easy and resting. Skipping the gym (oh how sad that makes me...NOT). I can't seem to keep the headache GONE. Sore throat is better though. I will see an energy healer tomorrow and see what she can do for me. I have several such connections in the community and we trade services a lot. I dig that.

Listen To Your Inner Calling.

I'm feeling a bit under the weather today. Well, for a few days now. Sore throat, headache, tummy rumbles. I think I've got a virus. But it is mild and I am taking all of my wonderful herbal tinctures and allowing my body the rest it needs to repair on its own. I don't think it is going to be anything more than uncomfortable for a few days. This happened earlier in the winter too and went away quickly. That's what I like about herbal support. When you have the tinctures on-hand, you just start taking the specific ones for immune support right away and frequently (every couple of hours) and rest...did you hear me? REST! That's one of the biggest things we can do to support our immune system.

I almost succumbed to guilt this morning and went to the gym. I "should" I thought. But something said "yes, but you'll wander around the gym, really not accomplishing much because you don't have any spare energy right now, so just rest". So I got up, took a long shower, had a cup of tea and just sat in the silence.

I'm saying this as much for myself as I am for you: honor and listen to your body and your inner wisdom...always. We end up fully in the throws of illness when we push against this inner voice "I MUST DO...." And when you are knocked completely to your knees with illness...funny how the "MUST DO" becomes "I CAN'T" and the world manages to turn without you. You CAN care for yourself and your body, even in a culture that says we must push to and beyond our limits all the time.

I am SOOOOO fortunate that I am able to stay home right now. I pushed to and beyond my limits for too many years. And I'm sure my limits are much less than most people's. Being an empath, I am easily overwhelmed and overloaded. So having a special needs child that demanded everything I had and then some, and going to college and then grad school, then working, almost tipped the scales. My health suffered. I was sick all of the time...really sick. And I ended up needing three surgeries during that time. So what do we really accomplish when we push so hard? Ill health? A nice note on our gravestone?

Finally, my body and my spirit screamed "NO MORE!". I had a choice to listen, or, I think, literally, die early. Thank God my husband supported this decision. Oh, I have "doer's guilt" to deal with and the messages of family and culture that say I'm lazy for not being a super woman. But the truth is, these messages won't kill me, but acting on them and with them and going against my inner urgings, just might.

So I'm resting today. I'll read, take my tinctures, meditate and putter. And feel very blessed that right now, today, I have this luxury. I know a lot of people don't, and I know there were times I did not have a choice either. Or at least not a GOOD choice. I also know that there are multitudes of people who refuse to see another way, who think and say they don't have a choice when they do. They can live on less, buy less, live smaller, downsize, do whatever it takes to live more simply, more authentically. We don't need most of the "stuff" we have and can get by with surprisingly little. A healer once told me "you can stuff yourself into a job you think you are supposed to be in, working for benefits if you want, and trust me, if you do, you will NEED ALL of those benefits. If you follow your inner calling, you will stay healthy."

What is your inner calling? What is it saying? Will you heed it?

Book Review: The Invitation

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, published in 1999, is an expansion on Oriah's original poem by the same name:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

In this little 134 page book, Oriah takes each of the major concepts in this poem and expands upon them in 12 sections. She uses real-life examples from her own personal experiences and from her workshops, to facilitate the reader's exploration of self. At the end of each section, she gives a guided meditation that relates to the section topic which you may choose to engage in.

This poem, was read at my 2000 graduation ceremony from Portland State University Graduate School of Social Work and I've been in love with it ever since. While it is a book with mass appeal, I would venture to guess, it would speak most dearly to middle age women. I was receiving loud and clear!

Book Review: Life Lines: 365 Meditations And Inspirations On Love And Peace.

Life Lines: 365 Meditations And Inspirations On Love And Peace by General Editor: Marcus Braybrooke is a beautiful book of quotes and poetry to reflect, ponder and meditate on.

I adore inspirational quotes. I collect them, I share them, I write them down in blank journals. In ingest them. Nuff said?

This little gem, copyrighted in 2002 is truly a piece of art. The pages are thick. I kept trying to separate them thinking several were stuck together. The paper is thick and sturdy and the artwork on each page is abstract photography. Each poem or quote is numbered 1-365 so, if you so chose, you could ponder one per day for a year. The book is divided into three primary sections: The Centre of Being, The Inner Circle of Love, and The Outer Circle of Spirit. I have a close connection and affinity for all things maternal, and one poem that particularly touched me is entitled A Wish for My Children (number 181 on page 119) and is reprinted below:

On this doorstep I stand
year after year
and watch you leaving

and think: May you not
skin your knees. May you
not catch your fingers
in car doors. May
your hearts not break.

May tide and weather wait for your coming

and may you grow strong
to break
all webs of my weaving.
~ Evangeline Paterson (d. 2000), England ~

Bookseller Information:

As you may have noticed, I don't always review the newest books on the market. I review what comes my way, no matter how long ago the book was written. Here are some booksellers where you may find these books.

Sunflower Books, La Grande, Oregon is a cozy converted house. They can order anything that is not in stock. Coffee and pastry are available as are tables for reading both inside and out.

Eastern Oregon University Bookstore, La Grande, Oregon is on EOU's campus. While typically carrying text books for students, they can also order books for you, and carry a fun variety of other books, stationary supplies and doo-dads.

Earth 'N' Book, 1118 Adams Avenue, La Grande, Oregon 541-963-8057 While not on the web yet (as far as I could see), don't overlook this great bookstore. They carry a huge number and variety of used books, some new books, and are more than willing to order whatever you want/need.

Spirit At Work, Boise, Idaho is a must visit book store catering to all things alternative, spiritual and metaphysical. Beautiful artwork, classes, a tea shop. A spot that is fun to visit and get lost in.

New Renaissance Book Shop, Portland, Oregon is another one of my favorites which is in two large, connected downtown houses. I never wanted to leave. They have a meditation room and a fountain room and so many fantastic things to look at, it blew my mind. If you want to start a business in La Grande, I'm sure we would welcome such a store!

And for those times when I can't go to Boise or Portland and am too lazy to leave my house, I love these two on-line booksellers:

Amazon Books nuff said. Who doesn't know about Amazon.com, raise your hand. Good prices and shipping is free on qualifying orders over $25

Thrift Books I love this bookseller for finding used books at great prices. Shipping is free. Who doesn't love free shipping?

Worthwhile Retreat Destinations. Part 3 of 3.

The Wallowa Buddhist Temple, in Joseph, Oregon, with amazing views of the Wallowa Mountains, is an oasis of stillness in a noisy world. A bit less than an hour and a half drive from my home in La Grande, the temple gives me an easily accessible respite from, well, whatever it is I'm running from at the time. However, note to self: the inner struggles I am working on, and the unrest within, often follow me there. The grounds and the guidance provide the opportunity for peace; the rest is up to me.

The temple, which is a converted, single family dwelling (cabin) is situated a mile or so up the unpaved portion of Hurricane Creek Road and sits on several acres which includes a small stretch along Hurricane Creek itself. The grounds have walking paths with delightful surprises of small meditation nooks, and beautiful statuary. And did I mention the views? The Wallowa Mountains have a mystical way of bringing your breath to a slow and steady rhythm.

The temple's guardian is Reverend Master Meido Tuttle, a Buddhist monk affiliated with the Order of Buddhist Contemplatives of the Shasta Abbey in Northern California. Two little helper guardians are Mama and Perry, the rescued, temple cats. Rev. Meido offers retreat, guidance and regular temple services to the community and to those, like myself, who find her. She regularly offers meditation retreats in the Serene Reflection (Soto Zen) style in La Grande as well. This is where we met, and when I decided I must learn more and spend more time in the presence of this beautiful soul. When first I met her, I had the unshakable feeling I had always known her. The reunion in this life has been a sweet one.

My first visit to the temple was a scheduled, 3-day retreat. Accommodations are a semi-private loft with a twin bed and half bath (full bath is downstairs). Individuals can easily be accommodated, and small groups may as well, with a little bit more creativity in sleeping arrangements. Meals are provided and prepared by Rev. Meido, in tandem with her, or you may offer to prepare one or more meals for her. There are many opportunities for listening to pre-recorded Dharma talks, meditation in the Temple Hall, walking meditations on the grounds, and working meditations. The pace and the flow is flexible and individualized. Cost to visit is by donation (Dana). Nothing is required or asked and all is graciously accepted. You may give Dana of money, food, needed supplies for the temple, and offerings of time or physical labor. The temple operates on donations.

When you are there, Rev. Meido is your host and guide, on whatever spiritual journey unfolds for you. I'm not Buddhist. She doesn't mind. I ask silly questions. She does her level best to answer them. I have since visited many times for partial day retreats leaving La Grande in the morning and returning home before dark. My husband and I have volunteered for grounds work parties and have enjoyed our time and our developing friendship with Rev. Meido. I consider Rev. Meido and the Wallow Buddhist Temple, true jewels of the region. I am always grateful and profoundly impacted by the time I spend there. It seems as soon as I turn off on Hurricane Creek Road, and have unimpeded views of the mountains, I feel I have come home. I can breathe. Peace enters.

Worthwhile Retreat Destinations. Part 2 of 3.

As I mentioned in Part 1, winter can bring on restlessness and wanderlust in me. At those times when I want to run away, I have chosen to run TO. My two favorite run-to places are the Monastery of St. Gertrude and the Wallowa Buddhist Temple. While not super close to my La Grande home, they are within my reach and navigational abilities.

In this installment, let's take a closer look at the Monastery of St. Gertrude in Cottonwood, Idaho, which overlooks the beautiful Camas Prairie. As mentioned, St Gertrude is an approximate 5-hour drive from my home in La Grande.

The Monastery of St. Gertrude is a 100+ year old Benedictine monastery founded by Sister Johanna Zumstein, OSB (Order of St. Benedict). On the grounds of this monastery is a state of the art, modern retreat center, The Spirit Center which offers guests very comfortable accommodations in either a shared room with a friend, or private room for one, with private bathroom. On each floor of the Spirit Center, is common area which includes a kitchen and living room if you choose to take meals on your own rather than cafeteria-style in the main monastery with the sisters. The main monastery also has a "silent dining room" which you may go to if you are on silent retreat, or do not wish to converse during one or more of your meals. In June of 2010 they are opening a spanking new Bed and Breakfast on the grounds as well. I can't wait to see that! It wasn't there when I last visited.

The monastery offers many retreat options. You may choose from a variety of themed group retreats, individual guided retreats, or individual, silent retreats. Your cost includes the retreat, and your room and meals and varies by accommodation, and length of stay, but is extremely reasonable. Counseling or healing services are extra, and would be booked in advance and paid by session. They also offer scholarship and volunteer opportunities, so lack of ability to pay will not prevent you from enjoying a retreat experience. It is also possible to get a massage while you are there or visit the Healing Center for Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy!

The grounds are beautiful with many mountain trails, Stations of the Cross, the monastery cemetery, a pond, their own food garden and many native plants incorporated into their landscaping. There are so many wonderful nooks and crannies where one my find peaceful places to sit and reflect, pray, read or snooze. There are two libraries, a book/gift shop and a world-class historical museum on-site as well.

While there, you may choose to meet with a spiritual retreat counselor, attend chapel with the sisters three times per day and mass on Sunday. Any and all of these options are part of your menu of choices and a retreat counselor will work with you to develop an individualized or group experience sure to maximize your spiritual development. I'm not Catholic. They don't mind. The sisters place a high premium on hospitality, respect and honoring the spiritual journey of each retreatant. All that is required is the same respect in return, since you are indeed entering their space, their home, their world. As a non-Catholic, I thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to learn about Catholicism and the monastic life and they are open to answering any questions you may have, or giving you total space to explore your own spirituality.

That's the nuts and bolts of the location, accommodations, services, activities and such. More importantly is the experience. While the sisters may not remember me in between visits, I always remember them with great fondness. My experiences there (scholarship for one week, and during another year, scholarship for one week followed by a second week of volunteering), have enriched me beyond measure. They provide a very peaceful, respectful, and maternal environment. You feel their love and prayerfulness. They are accomplished women in their own right, social activists, and land stewards (which I found out while reading some of the articles of just a single year of their community work while volunteering in the monastery archives).

I arrive often feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin and escape myself. Then I settle into the often frustrating realization that "wherever I go, there I am". From there, I begin to absorb and mirror the rhythm and the heartbeat of the land and the sisters and when I leave, I am at peace. I feel integrated, centered and with a clear focus on my priorities; on the things that really matter. I take the place and the sisters back home with me in my heart until the next time I am fortunate enough to visit.

Stay tuned for Part 3 where I explore the Wallow Buddhist Temple in greater depth.

Where is YOUR "run-to" place?

Worthwhile Retreat Destinations. Part 1 of 3

I don't know about you, but this is the time of year (Jan/Feb), when I want to run for the hills, run away from home, run away from myself. Winter just closes in on me. In fact, I noticed from journal entries, that I fled to the monastery two years in a row, during the first week of February, so I hope they have my bed ready!

Retreats can serve the purpose of rejuvenation, restoration, re-balancing and helping you to reconnect with your higher self, higher purpose, and your priorities. Getting away from it all, (and not in an activity-packed vacation sort of way), can be just the needed re-boot button to get you back on track and ready for spring or whatever is next.

Typically, for me, a retreat is bittersweet. I run to them to get away, only to find I brought me along. Sometimes, the first day or two I can feel pretty agitated wondering why I don't feel any different. But if I take enough time, I will eventually settle into the rhythm of the monastic community and my rough, sharp edges will slowly begin to soften. I've taken three such retreats to date: 2 weeks, 1 week, and 3 days.

There are really not very many options close to my small rural town, but I have located a couple that work well for me. One is the Wallowa Buddhist Temple in Joseph, Oregon, which is only about a 1.5 hour drive from La Grande, and has postcard perfect vistas of the breathtaking Elkhorn Mountains. The other is the Monastery of St. Gertrude in Cottonwood, Idaho, which is about a 5 hour drive from La Grande. A little out of the way, but still well worth the journey. This 100+ year old Benedictine monastery sits on a hill overlooking the Camas Prairie. Both of these restoration destinations have been just the song my soul was searching to hear. I cannot sing their praises high enough.

I'm not a city driver. I just can't do it. I'm a bumpkin. A baby, weenie, chicken-liver. Familiar with driving on snow and ice, yet cower in a quivering mound of oatmeal when faced with traffic and urbandom. Both of these destinations do not require city driving. The toughest part for a directionally impaired person like myself is that on the drive to Cottonwood, Cabbage Hill can be a bear in winter, I can get confused with the signs in Walla Walla, Washington, and when I need to get the right exit in Lewiston/Clarkston. Also Winchester Grade can be a little hairy in the winter. And the drive to Joseph can be a challenge in the winter as well since the roads are two lane and very twisty, and the road up Hurricane Creek can be iffy. But with some practice, and a close eye on the weather report, even *I* can handle it. Both drives are typically along roads that are not traffic-packed and that offer beautiful scenery.

In parts 2 and 3, I will go into further depth about the options, activities, accommodations and costs for retreats offered at these two places of refuge.

I would also love to see comments about places that are special to you, with links and information!

Zen

Must I always behave in a Zen-like fashion? Am I not permitted my humanness without reprimand from those who are already self-proclaimed enlightened ones?

People perplex me. No wonder I enjoy my hermitage.

Women's Beauty and Fashion Standards; REALLY?

I felt it yet again yesterday; and anger and frustration about the fashion and beauty industry and the impossible standards that are set, particularly for women (although men face similar things).

I watched Oprah and yet again they had make-overs to make you look younger and better. And for the most part, I'll admit, the women's did look different and good (to me) in their "afters". However, the average person could not keep up a look like that, or afford the high-dollar wardrobe, make-up artists and especially hair colorist/stylists. And really...WHO wants to always be wearing heels because they flatter your legs. Really? I don't get it.

I think it torques me off because I'm fighting against something I have not yet released in myself. Because the standards exist, sometimes...SOMETIMES, I succumb, and at the very least, still feel a stab of pain when I didn't conform and it is pointed out.

Heck-Schmeck, I'm still struggling to wrap my brain around the fact that zero body hair on women is considered "better" than how our bodies are designed originally. And yet...I shave...sometimes...begrudgingly. And yesterday, as I saw a stray gray hair here and there, I wondered...will I dye it? I want to be me...and yet...I wonder...will I be strong enough to just be the way my body is? And I feel angry that someone has decided that how we are is not "enough". That makes me mad.

Then there are the fashion "experts" on TV...the What-Not-To-Wear types. Shows that are built on someone turning in a loved one who dresses "badly" or has "bad" style and it bothers them. REALLY? And this is a good thing to watch? I'm feeling angry right now...it is bubbling up within me. If somebody *I* loved, turned me in for "bad" style and "bad" fashion, to a show that would go through my closet and laugh and make fun of me...well, let's just say that "loved one" would be in some pretty hot water with me. The people on those shows are often rude and hurtful. And honestly, I find the styles they choose impractical, and uncomfortable and unmaintainable.

I live in a rural, country town. I buy clothes from Wal-Mart. For me, spending more than $20 on a single item is an outrage. It's like I'm from another planet. My mom watches these shows and is influenced by them. I'm always saying "WHO SAYS...that this or that is NOT DONE, OUT OF FASHION, A FASHION TABOO?" Who died and made them the bosses of fashion? Who bestowed this power to them and why does ANYBODY listen, much less emulate and incorporate their advice?

So what if I look "unfashionable"? SO FREAKING WHAT? What we wear, our hair style, our make-up or grooming styles are part of our individuality, part of who we are and what makes us unique. And I want, desire, lust after, long for being loved and accepted for what is INSIDE me not what is OUTSIDE me. "See ME!", I want to yell, "KNOW.....ME!". People who look down their nose because I don't wear the right thing or go out in public with messy hair and no make-up...do I want to know these people? Why do I sometimes give my power away to these people?

I've heard debates that flip-flops for bridesmaids are a sacrilege. WHO CARES? They are cheap, comfortable and you'll wear the darn things again. I heard on Oprah once that "athletic shoes" are NEVER, EVER to be worn outside the gym. Really? And that we should spend money on really nice athletic wear to look good in the gym, at the very least "for ourselves". Really? And what about the importance of looking young? Won't we eventually lose that battle? And I don't know about you, but I am not wearing squeezy Spanks to control every bulge, under my clothing. I either need to lose some weight or buy some larger clothes. And really, why the heck is a bulge such a bad thing? What about starting a movement that says it is worse to have bulges and hide them than to have them and embody them?

We're told our husbands will leave us if we are always in baggy sweats and don't have make-up on. He'll stray to a flashier, more polished version...and who do we have to blame when that happens? Certainly not him...who could blame him? REALLY? Do we want to believe this? Did he fail to age? Is he scratching and farting, paunchy or balding? We age together. The beauty of long term relationships is BEING WHO WE ARE, being so comfortable with another that they may see us unpolished and still love us because they know what is INSIDE. If my husband wants the shiny girl, I've made a big mistake...I need to find a guy who sees ME. We're not flashy birds trying to mate and procreate anymore. I need someone with maturity and authenticity. I'm pretty sure I've got that...but you'd have to ask him whether or not he's secretly drafting a letter to What Not to Wear or the Oprah Show. And if he is...I hope he knows where his hiking boots are.

I do believe that part of my anger is, I want it all to stop. And yet, I still participate, am still seduced here and there and that seduction, that "knuckling under to pressure" makes me mad at MYSELF, so I project it at "them", the industry. Most days, it is baggy clothes, and no make-up for me. I settle for clean. I'm COMFORTABLE that way. COMFORT is my main goal. Why is that bad? Once in a while I really do enjoy playing dress-up (well, as dressy as one can get in rural-ville). It's not red-carpet glam, but I like to do it once in a while. But to me, THAT is the exception. It's a painted facade, it is literally PLAYING dress-up. And it's fun once in a while.

I think, given unlimited income, I would definitely be a spa rat. But for pampering services that FEEL good. I don't care about stuff that promises to make me LOOK good. That will fade...why fight it? I want relationships based on depth and authenticity. There are so many other things to spend money, time and energy on.


The call of my spirit is to more fully expand and develop the inside...the part that will endure over time, even after I die.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


© 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire"
Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0

I love this poem (and others by her I will post). It was read at my grad school graduation.

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.



Desiderata (which is Latin for "Desired Things") was written by Max Ehrmann in 1952 and became very popular in the late 60's and in the 70's I hadn't thought about it in years until I saw it printed inside my husband's yearbook this weekend. I reread it. Hey, it was good then, and it is good now. Means way more to me now then it did when I was a teen! Enjoy an oldie but a goodie!

Later, I found this:
About this poem:
Desiderata was apparently written between 1906 & 1920 by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945) who copyrighted the piece in 1927.

The confusion about authorship of this poem is due to its distribution by Reverend Frederick Kates within a collection of works for his congregation in 1959. The church notepaper was headed "The Old St Paul's Church, Baltimore, AD 1692". As the poem became more widely circulated, it came to be assumeded that the poem originated in this old church which was founded in 1692.

Remember it was set to music? I couldn't find the YouTube clip...at least not the original one we used to hear on the radio. It was narrated with the chorus (you are a child, of the universe....) sung. Anybody remember that? Remember who did it? Can you find the YouTube link to the original? Let me know, we'll post it.

Boring me...again...

Hmmmmm, am wondering, is it best to remain consistent with posting even when I can't come up with anything of great interest to say, or didn't make time, or is it best to skip days when I don't feel like researching anything? What do you think? Are rambles annoying?

I had a stinker of a headache yesterday and skipped the gym this morning. Got groceries, met a H.S. friend who was in town for lunch, had to go BACK to Wal-Mart because I discovered they overcharged me on several things. They were very nice about giving me my money back, but I'm not sure the extra gas made it worth it. But still...it's the principle! Had to pkg up for return my Season Two of Saving Grace (most interesting series, by the way) to Amazon.com because the 4th disc in the set was severely MESSED UP. Disappointing. Their return/exchange policy is pretty easy to use though and I do love Amazon.com.

One of these days I really do intend to write about something besides drivel. Like...hey...I'm due for another session with the epilator torture device! You'll hear the screaming before you ever see the post.

Dear Diary

Yeah, I didn't post yesterday. Darn my hide. I got most of the house clean, and cleared out a space in my book case where I will create an "altar" or focal point for meditation...when I decide what to put there, maybe I'll share a photo. I was reading in a book I'll review when I finish it about the importance of creating a sacred space for meditation. Since I'm trying to make that a daily priority, I may just take her advice and create such a space. I'm researching Zafus and Zabutons (little square futon mat and little buckwheat cushion for meditation). I do want to take it seriously enough that perhaps I will actually do it daily. So, yeah, I read some yesterday too.

I gave an energy session yesterday too and I don't get nearly as many opportunities to do that as I would like to build my confidence. They are always different, always new. I never feel like I KNOW what I'm doing, or where I'm going and for me...that is uncomfortable. But it seemed to go well, and the client reports feeling like something major shifted and is feeling really good. And I was amazed that I had no negative backlash. It is one of the hazards of the work for me. I'm really really open and I work sort of like a giant vacuum cleaner sometimes (no matter what types of ritual protections I attempt) and I often suck the junk off of someone else and temporarily into me. They it takes me a couple of days of rest to clear ME. Many healers have tried and failed to teach me how to do it "right". I think this is just my journey and process to figure out my way, and my style.

I have family in town tomorrow, so can't swear I'll post tomorrow.

I'm trying to get some things cleaned up at home that I've been putting off. Seems like winter turns me dormant and cleaning doesn't happen.

I've also had extra heavy-duty dream travel and it often leaves me spacey and exhausted during the day. Also in this book I'm reading she highly recommends keeping a dream journal. I'll pick up a journal, but I'm not at all sure I feel like journaling about my dreams. For starters, she says it must be done first thing upon awakening, and most of the time, I am drug out of bed to throw my clothes on and hit the gym by 5:30. Alarm goes off at 4:45. I'm NOT getting up earlier. Period...not to journal not for nothing. Half the time..well, MORE than half the time lately, I'm not even making it to the gym due to the dream stupor. I've been lucky to get in 1-2 times a week the past few weeks (vs 5). The idea of getting up on these days feels like an assault. The idea of going into a noisy facility, with bright florescent lighting (which I hate on a good day), with tragic world news blaring on TV sets at high volume, with many moving bodies and loud music...well, you may as well slap me hard cuz that's how it feels. Like a baby must feel when they leave the womb to a lighted, smelly O.R. with people buzzing around doing things to them, and it's cold and you're vulnerable. Yeah, that's how going to the gym early in the morning after dream travel feels to me.

And yet...if I don't go then, I won't go at all. It's a tough gig. I hate exercising.

See...all that exciting news in my "focused niche" (which must be the niche of chaotic blogging) made up for not posting yesterday (or maybe not tomorrow), right?

My Head Is Spinning...I'm a Compu-Tard!

I've been trying to figure out what to do about the .com where I've been posting articles. They're douche-bags. Making money on their writers and treating the writers poorly. Isn't it always the workers at the bottom that get screwed? Anyway, not sure yet what I will do there.

I started doing some pro-bono writing for La Grande Life and have spent some time transferring some of the health and wellness related articles I've written from here and from douche bag.com (no that is not a real website...don't go there...well it might be but you won't like what you see).

I'm up to my armpits in user names passwords and links! It is too much for my brain to track! Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Reddit, Stumble Upon, Digg, Gravitar, the list is endless. When people think that working from home is easy, they really don't know. "Real jobs" have more structure. But I still don't want one. And I'm still waiting for that paycheck that I want from working from home.

Ahhhhhh! If I was a drinking woman....

Hot Cocoa with a Kick!

It's winter...it's COLD where I live, and it won't be getting warmer until April. Sometimes I get really chilled and can't seem to warm up. I created a hot drink that does the trick every time. And hold on to your Betty Crocker apron cuz it is gonna sound really weird...gross even...but...try it and then tell me...

I follow the directions on the can to Safeway's O Organic hot cocoa mix. To this I add:
A dash of Cinnamon
A dash of Nutmeg
A few dashes of Chili Powder
A few dashes of Cayenne Pepper
(adjust the dashes to suit your taste and tolerance)

The strange thing is, other than the Cinnamon and nutmeg, I cannot taste the chili, but I CAN FEEL it. So there is a double warmth to this. I don't advise giving it to your kids though, unless they like stuff like that.

Hot spices have been shown to increase circulation, which explains the additional heat you experience. If you click on each spice listed above it will take you to a web page that lists some of the medicinal health benefits of each spice. And something I didn't know: Chili powder is a combination of MULTIPLE spices (all with their own health benefits). I think that many Latin dishes combine chilies of some sort with chocolate (for example mole sauce that you may have tried in Mexican dishes. The kind we're most familiar with is Mole Poblano [see the mole link]).

I ain't no Julia Child....but see what you think! A way to warm up faster, and to add health benefits to your hot/sweet drink.

Local Sanctuary

After attending the viewing of Quantum Activist, I filled out a sheet expressing interest in future such events. I got a call from a friend, who was in attendance requesting that I attend a meeting this morning to discuss the idea of a local sanctuary/community space for primarily alternative healing/education use (yoga classes, meditation hall, education space, metaphysical book club etc).

I think I mentioned...I'm not a group oriented person. I'm a loan wolf. But I love this local pracititioner, and it was in support of her dream that I attended. There were about 10 or so people there (with those coming and going), and a discussion was held.

Very interesting, brave and innovative concept. The owner of the building was there and he's very flexible with use and terms and supports the goals. Now I'm thinking, because I attended, does that put me on the hook for the steering committee, and other such groups as it unfolds? Please no.

It is hard to support someone at the same time saying "this is a cool idea, but not my dream". I can hold space, send energy, say prayers and occasionally do a task here and there when needed. But I had to come home and let the buzzing subside, just from sharing space with other people. Meeting was at 10 and at 12:15 they were breaking for lunch (which was being provided)...I was thinking...oh I'll go for an hour and be back. I slipped out at the break.

Lord-a-mercy, I am not a group girl. I don't play well with others.

However, it will be interesting to watch this unfold, and interesting to watch myself and my ability to set boundaries for myself. I let you know if I knuckle under and end up chairing the board of directors or some god-awful thing like that. I'm already the chair for a non-profit, but they aren't off the ground yet, and my hope is to beg off when they are. They needed support for their dream, and some names on paperwork. Hey, I can DO that.

OMG The Big Reveal May Come Really Soon!

Yeah, big deal, right?

If you've been following along, you know Willow is not my name; that in fact, I'm blogging under an alias. The other place on the web that I've been writing articles is becoming a royal pain in my behind. Not only do they not pay, but they become increasingly restrictive about what you have to do to BE paid.

I got an email today saying that all content must be local in nature (meaning all articles must tie in to my local area)And be at least 150 words but not more than 400 or will be subject to non-payment and removal from the site. And they are calling it the roll out of their new INCENTIVE program. I'm thinking they may need to look up the definition of incentive.

Anyway, ain't no way I can stay with word length guidelines, and their editor doesn't work or count words, and the spell check is always broken, but it doesn't jive with other word processing formats so copy/paste doesn't work. I'm thinking...they are just a rather shoddy operation that takes money off the top at the expense of the writers and the writers will turn over continuously. So when I'm done with them, I'll tell you who they are.

So, that means, I will need to merge any readership from there, over to here, which means, they'll already know who I REALLY am, so what would be the point in not telling you? Or at least, what would be the point of waiting for the big reveal, when people will already know?

The universe works in strange and mysterious ways and divine providence is probably intervening to move me along to the next phase in wherever I'm going.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Oh wait...I told you upfront I was being deceptive...so does that make it honest?

We will see where this wild ride of life takes me and what it has in store for me next. I would love to get readership up enough to make some money...that would be MOST EXCELLENT DUDE! What will it take...what do you want to read? What will make you eager to share this blog with everyone you know and beg them to subscribe?

Originally, I had hoped it would be sort of a metaphysical advice column...but alas, nobody has asked for any such advice. I'll hang in there if you will.

Film Review: The Quantum Activist

Yesterday afternoon, I attended a community showing of the film The Quantum Activist. The rented room was full to capacity, which is to say, approximately 150 people were in attendance.

The Quantum Activist is a presentation of ideas from theoretical nuclear physicist Amit Goswami PhD. Dr. Goswami presented his theories about the ways in which the concept of God or divinity can be integrated with science. I do not begin to understand quantum physics so much of this film was over my head and hard to explain to someone else. If you've ever seen the films What the Bleep Do We Know? (in which Amit appears as well) and Elegant Universe, there were many similarities in concept (although this presentation did not have graphic special effects). Since I'm not even going to attempt to explain the science of possibilities and probabilities, string theory or materialist view vs metaphysical views, I will share a few quotes I jotted down that resonated with me:

* "Choice happens from non-local consciousness (god)"
* "Alternate 'being' with 'doing' in a 'do-be-do-be-do' fashion"
* "There is nothing but god (consciousness)"
* "We are connected. Violence is violence against ourselves."
* "We need to change ourselves first. If we approach all with love, others will pick it up."
* "Build new brain connections through positive emotions".

It was an uplifting experience to share this time and this film with others who are challenging status quo thinking and exploring deeper aspects of consciousness. Here is a clip from the film and you may visit The Quantum Activist for further information.




Update 01/13-10: After posting this review, I heard from the director/producer Ri Stewart who briefly commented thanking me for the "sweet review" and "glad you liked it". Cool huh?

Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes

We saw this movie yesterday afternoon. It was very entertaining, but so Hollywood. It took extreme creative license with the character of Sherlock who, in my mind, was always a soft spoken brainiac, not a hard-drinking, manic depressive super-action-hero. Maybe we've all become too dulled to actually watch a movie with a story. We have to have explosions and non-stop hand-to-hand combat or we will fall asleep. So my review is mixed. I was entertained, yet disappointed.



The previews sure show a bunch of upcoming flicks in the fantasy genre. They look interesting. Disney will be putting out Sorcerer's Apprentice with Nicholas Cage...that looked interesting.

Not sure what's on tap for today. I think the man is working on his snowmobile, and I think later this afternoon, we will be watching a flick at the college on Quantum Physics. I'll let you know how that goes.

A House Divided

"A house divided against itself cannot stand"
~Abraham Lincoln, June 15th, 1858, Springfield, Illinois~

These words came to me this morning as I felt sadly disappointed in my fellow man. Our spirits seem to have lost their way. We are fighting amongst ourselves not only globally, but locally. Topics such as politics and religion have so polarized us that I had a fleeting thought, "Holy cow, this is how civil wars begin." I do not mean for this to be a political or religious article.

The concept of polarization recently came up as an opportunity for me to do some self examination. Yesterday, I read an article wherein the author was examining the concept of giving away our personal power, and of polarity by using as an example and illustration of her main point, the extreme sentiment for or against Sarah Palin. At least, that was how I read it. The backlash of comments really shocked me. The responders primarily polarized against Sarah Palin AND the author of the article. Could this really be happening?

And guess what? I found myself polarizing. Against...polarization! What is in the "other" is also within us. I could justify that my position was more worthy; at least I wasn't jumping on a "side" for or against an idea that was not even the point of the article. I was above that. Or was I? I was feeling polarization alright! I felt defensive of a fellow writer, a woman, and an "alternative thinker/seeker" ("new age crap" I think someone referred to it as). She was simply trying to express an opinion or idea for others to consider. I empathized. I hurt for her. I wondered when my time would come to be flamed in such a way for expressing my opinions and wondered how I would react or if I was strong enough to risk it.

I have no feelings about Sarah Palin one way or another despite being extremely liberal. I may disagree with her opinions, but in general, I never think twice about her. But with the concepts of the article, and subsequent comments, I felt an undercurrent of polarization that these people were "wrong" and I was "right". Exactly the author's point (I think, I hope, maybe, who knows?). I couldn't let it go. It was on my mind when I went to bed and on my mind when I woke up this morning. how DARE "they"? I realized I gave some personal power away, to the topic, to the commenters.

We all do it. Those who say they don't are either already ascended masters, or liars. How's THAT for polarization? It's hard not to do. Hot/cold, Wrong/Right. And what IS "right" anyway? It is ALL subjective, personal and fleeting. My opinions are just that. Mine and opinions. And I evolve and change over time as new information is uncovered and processed. If I hang on too strongly to my "side", I never grow. The harder I hang on to a side, the more defensive I can become. Like a cornered, wounded animal, I cease to be capable of rational, reasoned thought. I'm only able to bite and growl. Sometimes we hold our position as if our very, actual, literal survival in the moment, is completely dependent upon it. We allow an issue or a difference to intermingle with our own personal wounds, with issues that have nothing to do with the one at hand. Ideas of personal rejection.

Can we do more than this? I think we can, but will we? To quote another who came into my mind this morning, like Martin Luther King Jr., "I have a dream". My dream is that we really are capable of becoming more aware of our own personal polarizations and further, we are capable of examining them, and making decisions about whether or not they're rational, reasonable and true (would they hold up to the most rigorous scientific protocols we currently have available to us?). Do they serve our higher purpose on this planet? What are we here for? What do we want our lives and our contributions to be about? Are our actions in support of our working against these aims we have for ourselves (and is this yet another example of polarity and black and white thinking?)? Do our words and our actions match the essence of our spirits?

I have a dream that we are capable of differing in opinion in respectful and loving ways, with the understanding, that we have, ourselves, changed our own minds and opinions many times already over the course of our lives and will do so again. I have a dream that when we realize we have been disrespectful and acted or spoken in ways that do not support our higher purpose, that we will exercise the humility to apologize and to think hard upon our future awareness.

I have a dream that I will keep this in the forefront of my mind in all my interactions, and will examine my own prejudices, polarities, shadows and the multitude of ways in which I can hang on to my "rightness" at the expense of an other. Let my words and my actions cause no harm or hurt to another being. Let me fully realize that my opinions need not be pushed on to someone else. Let me realize where my power resides, from whence I draw my strength, and that it really is OK to allow others to be different, to think differently, and to be on a different life journey or purpose than my own. The sharing of ideas and differences is not a battlefield but a global classroom. Let me realize that differences themselves are illusions.

"A house divided against itself" illustrates so much. As a planet of beings, we are divided. As a nation, we are divided. At the local level we are divided. Within our homes we are divided. Heck, on any given day, within MYSELF I am divided. Vow to at least become aware when you are contributing to division rather than unity. Vow to soften.

My feelings this morning are many. I am grateful for this opportunity for self exploration that I hope never ends. I will leave you with a final quote from Chief Joseph, former chief of the Nez Perce Tribe from the Wallowa Valley in rural Northeast Oregon. His thoughts mirror the echos of my own heart this morning:

"I am tired of fighting...Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever."

Spiritual Healers

There doesn't seem to be much gray area, people either believe in the possibility of faith healers, spiritual healers, energy healers, light workers, whatever you want to call them, or, they find the very topic to be a most offensive form of sacrilege and charlatanism.

I have some healing ability and I often second guess it myself, so I understand the controversy, fear and skepticism. How do we sort who is honest and has a gift from someone who is out to steal your money and sell you hope, or worse yet, actually cause you harm? Sometimes a very successful healer is unable to help everyone they attempt to assist which only creates more gray area. Healers are not permitted to be fallible. How many doctors do you know with 100% success rates and 100% client satisfaction? If you know ANY, be sure to let me know.

I don't understand how my own gift works and until about 6 years ago, I didn't even know I had one. I stumbled upon it quite by "accident". And it doesn't always work, and I can't help everyone. The gift doesn't fit a tidy previously identified pattern. Sometimes when I touch someone, I get information. Most often, this information takes the form of mental images and words that pop into my head that show me the links between this person's physical ailment and emotional patterns, old wounds and psychological issues that are contributing to their ill health. We begin to explore these. I never know when I begin a session, where I will be lead or where I'm going. It's downright disconcerting sometimes to feel like I'm traveling without a map. And up until it began to happen to me, I thought it was all hooey. So I completely understand skepticism. I think now, I can only instruct people to be open minded enough to consider that just because they have yet to experience something is a pretty weak argument for denying its existence. All I can do is be as honest as I can with those who come to see me for help.

One thing I have observed or come to know is that some people need their wounds and illnesses. For me to take them away denies them some growth and learning that illness and pain can provide. I know for the skeptic, this sounds like my way out, my loophole "oh gee sir, I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but you must be resisting me. You must still need your pain. It's really all your fault". Perfect, right? I don't have an answer to that. I simply put forth what I feel and sense and can do no more than that. And sometimes my sense is that the timing is wrong, or that I am not the healer for the job. I refer people to others all the time. I believe that often there are many pieces to a puzzle and I don't have all of them.

When my cash cow wanders into my yard, I would love love love, to travel around the world visiting healers; to observe their work, to receive healing, to learn and to simply educate myself on this unknown, mysterious gift. I will be expanding on this topic and writing more about it some time in the future. For now, I have located three famous healers and include video clips of their work for you to examine and ponder. Notice what feelings come up for you as you watch the clips. Just be with those feelings for a while.

Braco Dimitrijevic is a Croatian healer I just heard about today. Someone sent me the clip. All he does is simply gaze at large groups of people focusing his love and healing intention on them. I'm sure some are not helped, some are profoundly changed, and some are simply witness to a mystery. Some may fall "prey" to a group mind effect or placebo effect. And if they did/are and are helped, who cares? The person who sent this clip to me stated that people have been having experiences, results and improvements simply from repeated viewings of this clip. Somehow, I only felt like watching it once, but we are all so different.




Many of you may have heard of Adam Dream Healer who has written many books and holds group seminar/healing sessions. Adam has written many books.




And this is John of God from Brazil. His book by the same title is fascinating. Note: This is a graphic clip with some blood involved. He performs minor surgeries without gloves or a sterile environment and if you view it, you will notice that there is not even a hint of discomfort from the patient.


At some point in the future, when I have had the opportunity to dig up some more information, I'll tell you about and experience I had with a Brazilian team of healers and a distance healing a friend of mine arranged.

What do you think of these clips? Do they excite you? Intrigue you? Incense you? I'm a seeker. I retain a healthy skepticism while keeping an open mind. I love to explore the unknowns and to allow my world to expand. For me it is case by case, experience by experience. What I was once not ready for, I'm ready for now. What I'm not ready for now, I may be one day. Have you had any experiences with healers? Share them with us.

Book Review: You're Wearing That?

I just finished reading Deborah Tannen's book You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversations. As the title implies, it is chock-full of the ways in which we converse with our mothers/daughters and the impact and influence of these conversations and relationships. Deborah Tannen is primarily a linguist/anthropologist so there is very little advice within the book, just an opportunity to recognize the universal similarities that cross most mother/daughter relationships, and in awareness, the unique opportunity to reframe the negative, appreciate the positive and consider doing business a different way.


I'm not sure what will happen but I'm going to give it to my mother to read and then each of my three sisters in turn. Not sure if any of them will read it. I've underlined things and made comments in the margins and I will encourage all of them to do the same. I'll let you know. I'm hoping we might have some new conversations, and consider making some changes. Our relationship with our mother and hers with us is pretty classic according to the book.

Did you know that the top four things that mothers comment on (much to their daughter's chagrin) are hair, clothing, weight and lastly child rearing? And hair is number one? OMG...that is SO my mother! I would be rich if I had a nickel for every time she has criticized my hair!

The book really does present these issues in a loving and respectful framework. Deborah Tannen has written quite a few books. The one she has hot off the press is "You Were Always Mom's Favorite", which is about sisters in conversation. Yup, I'm thinking that one would be good to get!

I own, but have not yet read a couple of her other books. "Talking From 9-5" (conversations in the workplace between men and women), and "You Just Don't Understand" (conversations between men and women). And there are more. Have you read any of them? Let me know what you think.

The Drearies

Dreary, dark day here...pouring rain and about 39 degrees...if it chills, we'll be buried in snow...I'm thinking the rain might be better. But the snow IS pretty. Hmmm, I can't decide.

I've got another banging headache. Wish I knew what that's about. More than usual lately. The dream travel has increased again too, so who knows what effect that has on the human brain chemistry. I'll lie down for a little nap, with some ambient healing music on, and see if I can clear it. It sure brings all aspiration of accomplishing anything to a dead halt.

My lofty goal for the day is/was to tidy up (dust/vac) the back room/laundry room, and maybe finish a book that I plan to lend to my sisters (about mother's and daughters...I'll review it here when I'm done). Whopping big goals for the day, eh? And I wonder if I'll even get there. And so grateful that I don't have to. What a luxury that is.

Hubby will be attending a city meeting tonight so we'll eat dinner late. Left-overs anyway. In the spring they will be digging up the street we live on to put in curbs and "improvements", thus effectively blocking our current parking. Not to mention that the street will be blocked probably from spring until winter since the projects always take much longer than they are supposed to. It will be a mess, but we'll endure...what's our choice? The meeting is to tell us what IS happening, not to ask our opinion on it.

But you don't really want to hear about this do you? Really? Bla Bla Bla. Just trying to keep my commitment to post something...even on the days when I'm exceptionally boring :-)

I had subscribed to a blog that a guy created about blogging. And among his tips (and others that I read) is to post consistently...and yet not too often...but nobody agrees on what "enough" and "too much" are. And then...after a few posts...this guy disappears. No more blog posts about blogging. It's not THAT hard to make a post is it? I just know that on some days I'm bored with MYSELF and can't imagine I can find something to say that anybody would want to read. And I also remember in the blog book I read that it is "bad" to have a blog that reads like a diary. Oops. "Dear Diary...today I have a headache and it's raining and we're eating left overs for dinner".

I'm doomed. Doomed I tell you. "Melting...I'm melting...melting...oh what a cruel cruel world" (Didn't the wicked witch of the west say something to that effect in the Wizard of Oz?)

My Email Box got highjacked!

People who steal mailboxes to use for spam should be strung up by their privates. This is the first time it has happened to me so I guess I'm lucky. But I had to change a password to something *I*LL* never remember, AND for the next 48 hours or so I will be cleaning out returned email to the tune of...over 5,000 so far (and I can only group them by 100 at a time to delete them. The topic of the spams that got sent out is "Adopting Puppies". Makes me feel violated and mad. Mean people suck. I guess anything short of identity theft (and seriously, who would want to be me??), is just inconvenient.

So, I can't load email to my usual inbox, I have to work from the server, until this is cleared up.

Got the usual groceries purchased, have several loads of laundry going, hey, I even changed the water filter on the fridge water! WOOT! I sort of let everything sit over the holidays. Time to pay the piper. I would probably be super crabby if I had to take down a tree and put away decorations (which I didn't put up in the first place).

The Purpose of Pain

I'm sitting here writing with my head banging like a drum. I get migraines. A lot of them. I have for many years. As I often do when I get one, I backtrack over what I may have eaten, or how I may have strained, or what stressor may have triggered it in the hopes I can cure this one and avert the next one.

Today I've been examining the potential uses and purpose and even gifts to be found within pain (either physical or emotional). And they are there to be found, yet can be difficult to locate when in the throws of pain. Let's take a look at some of the things I've identified as potential benefits in the hopes it might help some of you explore chronic or episodic pain issues.

* When in pain, all activity ceases. It has to. I'm not capable of movement. A benefit is rest from constant activity, even if that just reading a book.

* Trying to find a cause or cure forces me to introspection. For example, I recalled that I had an unpleasant interaction with someone that was weighing on my mind, so I apologized; not for the truth I spoke, but because, honestly, it was none of my business, and I was sorry for upsetting them, and for entering into a totally unnecessary power struggle.

* When all activity ceases, I am more open to prayer and meditation. The pain moves me closer to Higher Power. I'm simply not capable of anything else but total surrender.

* Pain moves me into greater awareness of my self care. Am I eating properly? Am I getting enough sleep? Are my relationships in order? I've learned to ask "What is out of balance that needs my attention?"

* Pain is a FANTASTIC attention-getter. Nothing moves me to pay attention quite like severe pain.

* Sometimes, if I'm totally honest, pain can get me out of doing things I don't want to do. It would be good to be more direct. "I don't want to do that" would seem way better than my body colluding with my desire in such a way that I get my wish, but not in a very fun way.

In Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life (which I will review in depth at a later time), you can look up individual health issues to discover potential underlying emotional links. For migraine, the probable cause it lists is "Dislike of being driven. Resisting the flow of life. Sexual Fears." So I could spend some time examining this as well. For a new affirmative message for this ailment, it states "I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably. Life is for me."

As a counselor and energy healer, I always examine the potential internal messages that the body is trying to speak. What is your body telling you?

The book I mentioned, also has a DVD available now. Her work precedes The Secret (which took the world by storm), and many of the authors you will see in this clip are authors I read regularly. And guess what else? My headache is gone.