Vertical and Square Foot Gardening

Vertical gardening and raised bed gardening are all the rage these days.  People are living in less space, and many, who are tired of soaring prices and chemicals and GMO's are opting to try their hand at growing some of their own food.

I've seen some amazingly wonderful and beautiful options.  It seems to be limited only by your imagination.  Many leafy veggies do not grow deep, they can easily be grown in only a few inches of soil.  There are table top gardens, and roof gutter gardens (well, not in the actual roof gutter, but in roof gutter material.  There are products popping up all over the place to grow more in less space.

Here are the instructions for making a gutter garden and a cool photo of what that looks like.

I mean, is that slick or what?  There is a link at the end of this post for a book about square foot gardening.  It was recommended to me by a friend.  I have not yet purchased it, but it is in my Amazon wish list!  We have intentions to convert our small back yard, that is primarily full sun (and dying grass), to a garden space.  Just as soon as we solve the problem of deer fencing.  It can inch into being more expensive than one would think so we will have to take the plan in steps over time.  First, keep the deer out, otherwise there is no point to anything else we try.  Also, we have squirrels, which I dearly love...but they also dearly love to eat leafy greens.  They rob my bird feeders all the time.  So some early strategic problem solving is in order before we try out some of these groovy designs.

But really...who knew?  A gutter garden!  I always thought you needed a lot of dirt, a lot of depth.  Not so.  A friend of mine was also telling me about planting high/low.  Planting root veggies in the same container with leafy veggies.  One grows down, the other up, thus saving space.

Above, you'll see a cool plant for a vertical potato box.  Now, I've been told that all you really need is dirt in your first tier.  As each bit of vine grows up, you add mulch, or straw.  At the end of that time then, when you harvest, the potatoes are clean and not all packed with dirt.  The produce guy at Safeway told me his mother used to plant in old tires.  First layer with dirt, then put on another tire and fill with straw and so on.  He said at harvest time, you could just roll the tire and the potatoes would tumble out, perfectly clean.  However, another friend of mine warns that the chemicals in tires are not the best for growing good food in.  And you will pay a lot more for organic seed potatoes, but the rest have likely been sprayed, or are GMO.  Since you can save some potatoes back from each harvest as seed for next year, your investment in good quality organic seed potatoes will be worth it.  I purchased some recently that averaged about $10 per pound.  But a single pound will plant about a 20 foot row (or pretty much this box).  There might only be about 6-8 little potatoes in a pound, but they have many sprouting eyes, and you cut them into smaller pieces each with one or two eyes.

I recently purchased The Vertical Garden from Walter Drake for about $10.  I haven't planted anything in it yet, but I'm thinking of this style for a kitchen herb garden might be fun.

If you watch their infomercial video it shows you the features, and some planting suggestions and ideas.  Just another way of getting more into a smaller space.

This planter can also be hung from the chain that comes with it.

And I'm sure most of us are familiar with the Topsy Turvy planters that can be used for everything from strawberries to tomatoes and beyond.

This year, I also bought a couple of Al's Flower Pouches, which are a heavy plastic bag that you hang and grow things through the cuts in the bag.  I found these at a local nursery.

And there are these truly lovely little planters called the Phytopod.  It consists of a base, a wire frame, a burlap sack a pierced pipe for irrigation, and if you spring for the extra trim, a cloth band at the top for style.  Here's a video that tells all about them.

These are not for everyone as they are freaky expensive for the materials involved.  The large size bamboo Phytopod 4, like what you see here is equal to a 4x5 foot garden plot and will run you $135.  You'll pay extra for a rolling base, and that colored trim at the top.  They are VERY cool looking though!

I contacted the company to see if they would like to offer a giveaway to my readers and one to me to review.  The rep was very friendly and seemingly excited about the prospect but negotiations quickly broke down when his idea of giveaway and mine were very different.  He wanted me to pay for it all...or at a slightly reduced rate.  Basically two for the price of one.  I'm not sure what part of "give away" was not understood.  So, that fell through.  And sometimes one can learn a lot about a company by such negotiations.  Honest to Pete, I am certain I can make this planter for well under $20.  Oh it might not look as fancy, but once it's filled with plants, does fancy matter?

You'll obviously need a support base that will stand weight and water.  Wire comes on a roll from any hardware store and so you make an 18" diameter cylinder that you affix to the base (on wheels or not).  Locate a recycled burlap potato or coffee bean bag (you may find them in your local area), or they can be obtained online for an average of $2-5 each.  Then you fill it layer by layer, cut holes as you work your way up, poke in plants and that's pretty much it. Oh, and before you fill it, get a length of PVC pipe, cap the bottom end, drill holes in it, set it in the center or off to one side and they you will be able to fill it with water and distribute water in a drip irrigation-style to your vertical planter.  So these are WAY cool and WAY cute, but WAY overpriced, and I was less than impressed with the willingness of the company (which is small and not well-known yet) to work with me on helping them promote their business.  Oh well.  It will be fun to make my own anyway.

Have you experimented with vertical gardens and raised beds and square foot gardening?  If so, tell me about what you've done and send me some photos of what you've created, or link us all up to websites you've found that have cool ideas for maximizing gardening in less space.

Product Review: Air Scense & Citrus Magic Air Freshener Sprays

Natural scent, non aerosols are my favorite air freshener sprays.  It costs a little more than the standard brands you find in the grocery store, and in some areas you may have to mail order these product (sometimes you can find it at health food stores), but it lasts forever, you use very little of it at a time, the scents are fantastic, and it is less harmful to your health than other aerosol sprays.

These sprays will typically run you anywhere from $6-8 on average for a 7 ounce bottle.  However, these are a pump style sprayer, and a single pump is usually all that is needed.  Start there.  You can always use more if you need to.

The spray ingredients are most often water/alcohol, and essential oils from the peels of citrus fruits or natural oil from whatever plant/flower/flavor you are purchasing.  They do an excellent job of covering odors and neutralizing the air.

In Air Scense, you can currently find sprays in the scents of Orange, Lime, Lavender and Vanilla.  Honestly, I'm not nearly as fond of the Vanilla and the Lavender.  The Lavender spray reminds me of the old, traditional, original version of Lyson Spray.  It doesn't smell like lavender to me at all.  The vanilla is too overpowering to me.  It just isn't my fave.  The Orange and Lime are fantastic.

In the Citrus Magic, the spray comes in Tropical Blend, Lemon, Orange, Lime, Pink Grapefruit and Fresh Linen (although I'm not sure how they can make an all natural, fresh linen scent from essential oils).  The Pink Grapefruit is my personal favorite.  These are more of a continuous spray than a pump action application.  Go easy.  You don't need much and since they are more expensive, make them last.  I can have a single can last so long I forget how long I've had it.  Years in many cases.

Although I've never had an issue with these products, because they contain essential oils, often of citrus, you may need to be careful about them landing on certain surfaces as they could leave a residue or eat into some finishes (on wood furniture for example).  Because, think about it...Goo Gone, or DiSolve It, or Citrus furniture stripper utilize the oil and acid of natural citrus oils to break down compounds.  But these sprays tend to come out in a very fine mist (not like some of the grocery store air fresheners that can really spit and drop wetness all over the place).  Just point them high in the room, away from anything you might be worried about.  No big deal.

Do you use these types of air fresheners?  What's your favorite brand and scent?  Are there other brands of these natural air fresheners out there?  Let me know.

Product Review: Minis by the Hershey Company

Here's what I have to say about these.  YUM! And...I don't care what the bag says, 8 oz is a single serving...or a start.  Prepare for a mouth-gasm.

I used to joke that when I was on a chocolate binge, while I loved Reese's Peanut Butter cups, the wrappers slowed me down.  I wanted to eat it faster than it could be carefully unearthed from all of it's packaging.  I also didn't like that when you took the final cupcake rapper off, little bits of chocolate would crumble off in your bed...er, um, I mean, on your clothes and hands.

Enter the new 8 oz pkgs of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Minis.  They are little; smaller than bite sized really.  Oh, I can get about 10 in my mouth if I'm in dire need.  And they are UNWRAPPED.  They are mini versions of the original and are the same in flavor and texture and yummy goodness. 

God does answer prayers!  While she was at it, she gave me Hershey's Milk Chocolate Drops.  They are just like a Hershey's kiss only shaped a little large than but the same shape as, an M&M.  The best part?  Once again, NO WRAPPER, and NO CANDY SHELL!  That's the part I always hated about M&M's.  I just wanted the fist full of chocolate bits.  I don't really like to mix textures.  Squish with my crunch messes with my Feng Shui if you get my drift.

They make a few other mini varieties for those of us who are wrapper impaired when we are Jonesing for killer-high blood-sugar levels.  Honestly, I only ate two 8 oz bags (translation a pound of candy) so that I could give you a thorough evaluation.  And Safeway had them on sale for 2/$6.  That kind of sale REQUIRES that you buyTWO, right?  Buying two requires that you EAT TWO...in a SINGLE sitting, right?  Ordinarily I would never indulge in such a way.  Or would I?  Right now, I should refrain from driving.  I'm so chocolate-wasted it is obscene.  I think I just saw God...and Elvis.

Book Review: How To Be a True Channel by J. Donald Walters

I may have mentioned before that on occasion, I've experienced unbidden channeling.  What I mean by that is that I've experienced having the energy of a spirit flow through me.  I don't use the term like some seance trick from a movie, or like losing awareness and taking on the sound and look of another.  I'm sure that happens, but what I'm talking about is channeling energy from a source to someone else, from someone else while performing healing work, or on rare occasion, feeling that the spirit of a client's loved one entered me in order to have solid form to touch their loved one through me during healing work.  It is pretty hard to explain, especially in written form, and in a limited length, so I won't really bother right now.

I mention it because the only times that channeling has occurred, I've often experienced some unpleasant physical side effects, and it seemed to happen without my trying to, without my thinking of it or intending it.  Something about me is quite open and empathic and, as the saying goes "shit happens".  So as I try to learn more about this and make sense of it, and intend with high hopes to guide it and have some say in when or if it happens, I've often searched out potential educational resources.  It can be hard to find good ones, if they exist at all.

So this title "How to Be a True Channel" caught my attention and I bought it.  It's an older book, written in 1987, and it's a short book of less than 100 pages (and those pages are short with very little text on each page).  So it doesn't take long to read.  I was seeking information about how to harness this ability and use it or prevent it at will.  I didn't get what I was looking for.

One of my pet peeves in all new age works, is the voice of authority that often comes through in books on the topic of spirituality, the metaphysical, the psychic, etc.  What I know for sure, is that that the unseen, that which comes through other than physical senses, is perceived differently and operates differently for each individual.  Sure there may be common threads that will crop up, but for anyone to say to me (or you) "This is how it works" is very off-putting to me.  Perhaps these authors are more enlightened than I am, or perhaps they want us all to feel that they are.  I'm not saying that is the case with J. Donald Walters, but he certainly speaks as a person who has decided that he knows the one way that things work.  He points out how long he has studied with a master, and how many years he has been giving seminars, and how many books and musical pieces he has written, but he did not convince me that what he knows is the same truth that applies to everyone.  It is his path, his way, the way of his master.  It is the world according to his view of it.  And had he expressed himself in those terms, I may have responded better.  Either way, I cam away thinking that A.  He really told me nothing and B. he told me "nothing" in a bit of an elitist manner.

To grossly summarize this little 100 page tidbit, J. Donald Walters comes from a perspective of polarization.  Good/Evil, lower/higher, remedial/advanced, dark/light.  It's sort of like Glenda the Good Witch asking Dorothy "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?".  He espouses the light/higher/good/divine/advanced way (according to his definition of it) and does a bit of warning and demonizing of other ways he sees as less than, or dangerous.  And his definitions of what falls into which category is in accordance to what his master taught and what he has decided is true.  Only he doesn't say this is what he feels is true for him.  He is attempting to say what should be true for everyone.  Not much different than going to any church you will encounter.

All that being said, I liked that it was a short book, so that I was in and out and didn't waste too much of my time on it.  And here are a few quotes and tidbits that spoke to me along the way:

• "Channeling is the transmitting of inspiration received from a source other than the ego."
• J. Donald describes two types of channeling:  Passive (involuntary) and Magnetic (intentional and Divinely directed).
• In the final 13 pages, in the chapter of the same title as the book, he gives basically three vague guidelines about how to be a "true" channel (and by true, one can presume he means of the magnetic/higher/good/light/advanced/in alignment with his values and beliefs).  First:  keep your mind elevated during the entire time that you want to serve as a channel.  Second:  Give outward expression to your inspiration.  Third: attempt to communicate the experience to others.  I just didn't find these few morsels informative or helpful.
• In new age circles, I've heard the term "higher self" bandied about and never really had a good working definition of what that really was.  I had a sense that it was that part of the self that is connected to divinity or that part of the self that is more advanced than the ego, but I could never seem to nail it down.  I like his definition of higher self:  "What is the difference between the higher Self I've referred to, and God?  None, essentially.  It is God in us.  For this higher Self (always written with a capital 'S') is not actually a thing, like the ego.  It is simply an opening onto the Infinite.  It is that opening through which God flows into us"

So I'll just keep asking.  I'll keep seeking.  I'll keep myself open to how to live my way into a better understanding.  Even those sources that appear not to be useful to me help me define for myself what something is NOT, as much as what it IS.  It's all useful.

Working Meditation

I had what Oprah would refer to as an "a-ha moment" today as I was painting the cupboards in my garage.  I'm engaging in working meditation.

If you don't know what working meditation is, it is performed by many people, and in particular is an important part of many Buddhist practices.  In the same way that seated meditation happens, where one seeks to slow or suspend thought, or to return gently to the focus of the breath to minimize brain chatter, so to, can this be accomplished in working meditation.

In working meditation, once goes about their normal tasks but with the intention to be fully present with the task at hand.  No multi-tasking, no talking.  Just being fully present with the task.  I'm sure that many of you have experienced that place of no time or space during certain tasks.  It doesn't even matter if they are tasks you enjoy.  There are times, when you suddenly notice, that time has flown by, and you were deep into the task.  You have no awareness that you were thinking...you were being.  You were in the moment with the task.  Gardening is like that for me.  I can think I'm going out for a few minutes, and find hours have passed in silence.  Much has gotten done and I have a feeling of being refreshed, even though I'm sweaty, hot and sore.

It is slightly different than zoning out completely.  When you zone out, you might find you are easily startled if someone speaks to you or the phone rings...this usually indicates you are very far away and not really present.  Working meditation is a sense of presence where you are not thinking about all of the things you need to get done, or of a conversation you had that ended badly, or of anything.  It is being HERE....NOW.  Just in sync with the flow of the task.

Even though you may have heard me voice what I really think about painting, I notice that it is a good task for working meditation for me.  I may start out looking at the totality of the project and feeling overwhelmed by how much I have left to do, or of not wanting to start or of not wanting to wait for it to be completed.  I may start out thinking that there are so many other things I would rather be doing, or that while I'm spending way too much time on this project, there are other tasks not getting done.  That's brain chatter.  Some people spend all of their task time in brain chatter; looking toward what's next, or looking back on things that have already happened.  But somewhere after the first few minutes, I'm in the flow.  Hours can pass (I'm a slow painter), and there may have been only a few times I was aware of a song on the radio that reminded me of a high school experience, or a love interest from the past.  But I notice it because it brought me back from being in the contemplative space of the here and now with the work and flow of the project.  My mind went still, I was present and aware of my surroundings but I was one with the flow of arm and brush and covering the surface.

I realize that even though I tend to think I don't meditate "enough", much of my days are spent in a form of working meditation.  My body is moving, but most of my days are spent in silence, going from household task to household task.  And because that is my "job", I don't have a sense of urgency most of the time that there isn't enough time, or that I have to hurry and get from point A to point B.  I feel very blessed that I don't, at this time, have to work a "real job" AND take care of all of the home tasks like most women, or like I've done in the past.  I am so much more calm when I don't have to do it all and be it all.  So I meditate through much of my day by simply moving through my tasks and being present with each one.  Sure, I don't always manage to be this Zen...sometimes I'm rushing, or pushing myself to complete, to move to the next thing, to mash too much into my goals...and then all feels forced and unpleasant.  I have more days than not, however, where I might be hard pressed to tell you what I did, or how I went from morning to evening with very little thought taking place at all.  My day is gone.  I flowed with it.

What types of tasks are you aware of that help center you into simply being fully present with the task?  If you're not familiar with what I'm talking about, try it.  Choose a small task, such as washing the dishes.  Decide as you begin, "For this 10 minutes that I am doing the dishes, I will focus only on doing the dishes.  I will be fully present with the dishes.  Feel the temp of the water and the slickness of the soap, and any bumpy food particles on the dishes.  See the food slip from the dishes and see them become clean.  Rinse the soap away and put them to dry (or however YOU do dishes).  Think only of that task.  Then report back on how that went.

I want to get that good at being one with cleaning the bathroom!

Painting as a Spiritual Metaphor

In an earlier post, I reflected about the spiritual metaphors to be found in chores, and in that post I talked about refinishing a piece of furniture.   As I tackle the project you see here, I'm not sure if painting and refinishing are very different, but I know that they present me with personal challenges.  And, I'll admit...that table you see in the other post...it's not finished yet.  Hopefully this summer...we'll see.  It's not the destination, it's the journey, right?

Or so it would seem.  For me, painting and refinishing raise up every ounce of resistance I have.  But I realize that many people love it.  So I need to explore what there is to love about such things and reflect less on what I hate about it.

I think the very fact that I repeatedly voice and state how much I hate such things makes the tasks even more detestable.  If I focus on what I love about it, will it become a project I enjoy and look forward to?  That would be cool!

So I have these two cabinets that you see.  They will be used in the garage for storage.  The lower one came from my great grandmother's kitchen, and later, my grandparent's house.  I remember it from my earliest memory.  In fact, from it's location in the basement of my grandmother's house, I used to open the bottom door and use it as a swinging door to one of the doorways in the basement, pretending it was my front door when I played house.  So it's special.  It probably dates back to sometime in the 40's...maybe earlier.  The top has a red linoleum that was used for countertops then.  It will be where I keep gardening tools/supplies.

The other upper cupboard came from my mother's house.  Her house was built sometime in the 20's and as far as I know, this was the original cabinetry.  She remodeled her kitchen and I salvaged one of the cupboards.  We moved to that house when I was 16.  So I have many memories attached to it.  It will house canning supplies/herbal crafting supplies.  And I will be restoring the original, hugely and heavily painted over hardware too.

But on both, the paint is peeling, and some portions were never painted, and one was yellow, the other white.  I know it's just the garage, but I decided I wanted to paint them, refurbish them and make them match.  Therein lies the start of how painting/refinishing/refurbishing reflects my outlook on life and my spiritual journey.  I can see the potential end result.  The journey and the process and the labor and the preparation before I can even really BEGIN, frustrate the crap out of me.  I want it DONE, I want the finished product NOW.  Not later, and certainly not with any discomfort, effort or trial and error on my part.

It really is true that the chores we hate the most have much to teach us about ourselves.  These projects show me that I need to learn patience and appreciation and joy from process, labor, challenge and uncertainty.

So, to start myself off in a better frame of mind (OK, I've already been telling everyone how much I hate stuff like this, but I caught it, and I can make a do-over), I am going to reflect on what I LOVE about painting and refinishing:

• The opportunity to see how it reflects my life journey at the present time.
• Taking something that seems ready for the trash heap, and making it new and functional and beautiful.
• Having items near me that remind me of the "olden days", and having the energy of my ancestors near me.
• Reflecting on the process and the steps necessary to make anything come to fruition.
• Reflecting that laying the groundwork is as important in life as it is in refurbishing.
• The satisfaction that comes at the end of a challenge resolved.
• Making lemonade out of lemons.
• Spending less for a beautiful, functional piece!  WOOT!
• Placing my love into an object.  Caring for it and showing it respect through giving it back it's proud (although different) elegance.
• Learning patience.  I don't have to do it all in one day (which I can apply to SO many areas of my life).  It's better to do a slow and steady and quality job than a fast and sloppy job I won't be happy with later.
• And really, the projects themselves are teaching me to reflect on all of the above and more as I uncover the lessons, layer by layer, coat by coat; taking my old patterns of thinking and moving and transforming them into something newer and shiny and more functional.

  

Planting Seeds in the Garden and in Your Life

I'm sure I've written before about some of the analogies of life that can be gleaned from gardening.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned this one, that cropped into my head this morning.

Recently, I reread The Secret (see book review) which focuses on manifesting what you want in your life through shifting your thinking toward speaking/living/acting/believing as if you already have that which you want.

I do that for a while, and then when what I wanted doesn't come in MY time frame, I often throw up my hands in exasperation with a "well, THIS DOESN'T WORK" attitude.

So I was thinking today about how, if I applied that same impatience to gardening, I would never have a single plant ever grown from seed.  I would only shoot for the sure thing (or supposed sure thing) of an already living plant.  And even those can die (or be eaten by deer), right?

If I applied the same faith to gardening as I sometimes do with life, it might look something like this:  I buy good soil, I buy organic seeds, a nice pot.  I look at the pretty picture of the plant that I will grow from the package.  I dream about what it will look like when it grows.  I carefully follow the instructions, and plant the seeds, and carefully water them and see that they get enough sunlight.  And I wait.  And I wait.  Often I am nearly convinced that the seeds will not take.  And sometimes they don't.  And sometimes they do.  Or sometimes they come up and grow in ways I had not foreseen.  But if I do what I usually do with my life dreams, I would give up.  I would say "Well, this is taking too long, and there is nothing happening below the surface." and I would dump the pot, plant something else there, or scratch into the surface to "check" the seeds (and perhaps damage or destroy things that MAY have been about ready to break the surface if only I had waited.

So as I try to teach myself more positive ways of thinking and better ways to manifest the positive I want in my life, I look at seeds I've planted this spring.  I look at the flat, empty looking pots with seemingly nothing inside them and remind myself that in gardening and in life, potential exists where I cannot yet see it.  I need to plant seeds and wait, and keep planting seeds in other locations and wait.  I need to trust that the seeds I plant will sprout, grow, produce.  I need to trust, allow, wait, expect, believe.

When I see those little sprouts poking through the surface, I need to be ever mindful that this is how it works in my life as well.  There are things happening just under the surface and I can't go scratching about in it to hurry it along.  All things have their own time.  And even to say "this is taking too long and it's never going to happen" is tantamount to spraying Round-Up on my dreams.  That kind of thinking brings me what I wish it wouldn't.  It brings me what I DON'T want rather than what I DO want.  Focusing on what we want, rather than the lack of it is what brings it into being.  I believe this.  I intend to think this way and claim all of the potential out there.

I'm starting in my own way.  First through awareness.  I have to catch myself thinking negatively or fatalistically.  That's the first step for me.  Notice.  Then switch the thinking.  Also to focus on being grateful for what I have.  And be specific about what I want.  Think about what I want as if I already have it, and feel the feelings of what it feels like to have it (whatever "it" is).  I know I've been on the edge of all of this many times before, and may be many times in the future.  I know so far that this is one thing I want:  to manifest through right thinking.  It's my goal.  Writing it down makes it even more real.  And I'll report on how it goes along the way.

I have had tough times in the past, and I have what is often referred to as a "negative mood temperament".  By nature, or by nurture, I've always had a bit of a "glass half empty" sort of outlook.  Those two things combined have, in the past, given me an internal statement that says something like "Things have gone so wrong before, they always go wrong, they always will go wrong...nothing ever comes through for me".  My new mantra is "Despite past events, and temperamental traits, I have the power to overcome all obstacles...in fact, there are no obstacles, only opportunities.  The universe is abundant.  All good things are coming to me, quickly, easily and effortlessly."  And I'm remembering to say Thank You for all I have. 

What works for you?  Are you familiar with the concepts of The Secret and "manifesting" and the "law of attraction"?  What are your thoughts?

    

Book Review: A Light at Winter's End by Julia London

A Light at Winter's End by Julia London is a romance novel, but I would say the primary focus is on sibling rivalry, healing and redemption.

Sister's Holly and Hannah are going through some really tough stuff.  They had a difficult upbringing by a mom who was never quite happy enough with who they were and what they did.  They both dealt with the stress in different ways.  Hannah, through perfectionism and addiction, and Holly through escapism, and becoming the flakey, irresponsible person she was accused of being.

They're roles are reversed and a seemingly irreparable canyon opens up between them after their mother dies.

The romance is, in many ways, an aside to the main focus, but it is a very sweet romance with a guy that everyone would probably love to fall in love with.  A gentle, quiet cowboy.  I mean, geeze, common...does it get any better?

I reluctantly place this book in my catch-all category of "good beach read", but it is a step above that due to the complexity of the sibling relationship and some of the legal and ethical issues that arise.  I found myself in tears in a few places because the pain of the characters comes through so well in the writing.  She also does a darn good job of reminding one of the feelings of early love.  When she describes it, you remember:

"...And then, of course, there had been that kiss.  That spectacular, unplanned-for, unanticipated, and unlikely, out-of-the-blue kiss.  That kiss was chocolate souffle, it was expensive champagne, it was a warm fire on a snowy winter day.....that kiss had been a gold strike, a summer thunderstorm, New Year's Eve fireworks, Spec. Tacular..."  

If you're lucky, you remember such moments of pure magic in your life.

The story is predictable in that you know that despite the twists and turns, it will have a happily ever after ending.  There is a passage or two of mild sex that is not too descriptive (compared to many romance novels).  And, they do have sex before wedlock...so if that bothers you...there you have it.

I enjoyed this book more than the average beach read, but I place it in this category because I think it is not a story that will stay with me very long.  But it was a sweet way to pass some time.

Product Review: Subway Cookies

You thought I just ate health food?  Pfffttt!  Not sure where you got that idea!  I try.  But I'm human and life is short.

I like a veggie sub from Subway once in a while and the last time I went, I bought a couple of cookies.  I got a chocolate chip, and a strawberry cheesecake cookie.  YUMO on both counts.

They are what I would call medium in size.  They are about as big around as a large palm, but quite flat.  They are around 50 cents.  They are chewy.  Did I mention they are chewy?  I never really have been a big cookie fan.  Oh, sure if somebody puts them in front of me, I'll eat them, because I'm a sugar addict.  But in general, a cookie isn't top on my list of things to eat.

These really did hit the sugar spot though.  They have several different types and I think run special "flavors" at different times of the year.  I'm not a fan of nuts in my sweets so I didn't try the ones with nuts.  I bet they are all good.  Have you tried Subway cookies?  Which is your favorite?

I'm not including the nutritional info or the calories or how many chemicals are in them.  I'm sure it isn't pretty.  But who cares?  If you don't do it often, it won't kill you.  A person's gotta live a little once in a while, right?

Book and DVD Review: The Secret

When The Secret DVD first hit, it was a runaway success.  The book followed, as did many books, videos and seminars on the "art" of manifesting.

It goes beyond mere "positive" thinking, to include actively visioning what you want, shifting your thoughts from what you lack or don't want, and feeling the feelings of having what you want.  A lot of emphasis is placed on gratitude for what you already have and for what is on it's way to you.

I bought the DVD years ago, with a second copy to lend out to others.  I also bought the book and just recently took it off of the shelf again for a revisit.  And one of the things it is telling me this time, is to get back on track, AND to send the DVD to my son, and to give the book to one of my friends who needs it right now.  So I will follow through.

While the book is set up in sections/topics or chapters, it is primarily a collection of quotes.  You could easily use it like a daily boost or devotion and just read a single statement for the day to focus on.  The DVD has almost all of the same quotes...they're just spoken by the people themselves on camera.  I will say that the DVD was a little off-putting to me for it's corn-factor.  It is hoaky and overly dramatic.  I would have preferred it as a documentary vs the little dramatic scenes that are interspersed.  In documentary form, I may have felt more inspired to watch it frequently.  Some people report watching it daily to cement the ideas and to begin to get their though patterns turned in the right direction.  A book I personally related to more was The Law of Attraction.  But all of them have things we can learn about how important our thoughts are to the lives, bodies, health, and circumstances that we create.  Things don't just happen.  Everything in our life is drawn to us by our thought patterns over time and generations.

The book also talks about writing yourself a check, to set your intention for the money you want/intend to have and they give a link for a blank check that you can fill in with whatever amount you want, place it somewhere you will see it, or take it with you.  Have it where you will see it and reinforce your goal, over and over and over.  Give thanks that it is on it's way.  Make it big or make it small.  Make it reasonable or make it outlandish.  Make it something you can allow yourself to BELIEVE.  And tell me your stories.



 

Astral Travel: With My Social Worker Hat On.

Earlier in the week, during this month's full moon, instead of my usual sleeplessness, the night/morning before the full moon, I was astral traveling again. And I woke up feeling like I had been smacked upside the head.

What I can recall of this place where I went was that I was working either in a school or an agency as a social worker (gee...hmmmm, that's my degree in THIS place too), and was assisting a young adolescent girl.  This girl was VERY very poor.  People had been complaining and referring her for her "refusal" to clean herself up, and for other performance related issues.

This day, she came to me because she had started her period and didn't know what it was, or what to do about it.  As we discussed it, and as I spoke also with her mother, I realized that they did not have running water, or garbage service, or any money for sanitary supplies.  So I was problem-solving what seemed insurmountable.  I was able to find a source for sanitary supplies on an ongoing basis for both mother and daughter...we agreed that either the mother would come to me to pick them up or I would drop them by the "house" (such as it was).  We also had to come up with ways for them to wash, which required heating hauled water to wash with.  I was explaining the social ramifications of not bathing, especially during one's period.  They were very grateful for the knowledge but hadn't understood the issues before this time.  Then we had to problem solve how to dispose of the sanitary supplies because they didn't have garbage service and burning them would not be well-received in their area.

We were in the process of trying to figure out a way for them to transport the items to school or my office for disposal in our facility bathrooms when I felt myself starting to be pulled back into this realm...as though I was waking up.  I was aware of a splitting headache (splitting is a rather interesting term all things considered), and it was like I was fading while being pulled on a rolling device backwards.  And I fought it.  I remember thinking "NO, we're not finished yet, we need to work out these details for them before I leave!"  And I tried to talk faster and cover all the needed bases.  It seemed that each layer of problem solving exposed another layer of a barrier.  I was struck by how often we are quick to judge another's situation (even in our profession) without trying to tease out, expose and address each possible barrier to an issue's resolution.  I didn't want to leave these people until  we had worked out the details.

But eventually, back I came.  This was one of those mornings where my husband could not rouse me to get up.  I began to wake up about the time he left for work, and even then I felt sluggish, not fully "here", and my head was pounding.  It was to be one of those days where I felt split...part of me had not yet arrived and integrated.  And I don't know where I was, or in what time period.  I just knew I had the sense of it being more modern times, with a family that fit more of the dust bowl era in terms of their extreme level of poverty, isolation and lack of resources.

Psychic Experience: The Secret

This is a short example of the ways in which psychic information, astral travel, or dream travel can appear.  It isn't always lengthy or profound.  But pay attention, and if appropriate, act in information you receive.

I was having a dream, or astral traveling, or whatever one wants to call it.  In this vision, while asleep, a friend came to my porch, to the door, and into the house.  They had something really important to tell me, a secret, something that was hard for them to share.

But then my husband woke me up before the message was given.  And I had a splitting headache (usually a sign I was in another frequency of different realms of existence).  So I made a mental note to remember this tiny snippet and ask about it.

I sent my friend an email. I relayed the "dream" and then asked "so...what do you need to tell me?"  And boy-howdie, there was something to tell.  Which I won't share, but to this friend, it was very risky to share with me, and had obviously been on their mind for a long time.  And honestly, truth be told, I sort of knew what it was already even though the dream had not revealed it.  Cuz, somehow, it just didn't shock me at all.

And you'll notice, there was nothing really symbolic to be interpreted about this dream.  It was straight forward and linear...to the point.  Had I not followed up, how long would my friend have struggled with what they needed and wanted to share with me?

Kind of interesting huh?

Synchronicity: Finding the Artist

I love this picture. And I love synchronicities.  My husband bought this picture for me several years ago at an auction.  I fell in love with it.  To me, the young male subject in the print is a strong, proud Native American youth.  What I read in this picture is strength, pride, and some sadness.  I feel his intensity as he looks out at me.  I also read into it "You may have conquered us, but you will never have my Indian soul...that you may never touch or convert, or assimilate".

I tried to find the artist.  I wanted to ask her questions about this print and the male subject.  I searched the web for several years and finally gave up.  Recently, when we were on our historic anniversary/birthday trip, eating white bread sandwiches in a general store, I noticed the local art on the wall.  And I noticed the same signature.  I asked our waitress.  "Oh yeah, she's a friend of ours".  So they gave me her email address and I contacted her.  It turns out, she did the original in charcoal pencil, based off of a famous photo from 1904 entitled A Navajo Boy.  Here is that photo that with the information the artist gave me, I was able to find online.  Her name as it was signed was S. McKean.  She is now married and working under the name Susan Collett.  You can visit her website to see the jewelry she creates.

He reminds me a little of my son.  This young man was 16 in this photo by Carl Moon and appears in a book entitled In Search of Wild Indians.  In fact it appears on the cover of this book.  A book which I want, but it is out of print and the only remaining used ones are in the ballpark of $175 USED.  So I went to the Carl Moon website and emailed them.  I asked if they had considered reprinting the book.  And guess what?  They are!  It is in negotiations right now.  I have no idea if I'll be able to afford it then either, but what are the odds of all of that lining up?  Synchronicities baby!

The book has over 400 photos of Native Americans in the early 1900's.  Carl Moon wanted to photograph as many Indians as he could before nobody looked like a "wild Indian" anymore.  He knew that day was coming and forced assimilation was at hand.  Even in this photo, the youth has been made to cut his hair.  But you cannot tame his spirit, can you?  That is one defiant looking teen.  I love him!  He stares right into my eyes whenever I look at it.  I wish I could have met him.

Pay attention to synchronicities...and share them with others...and with me!

Birthday Bad Girl

I'm sharing this story because it is a both humorous, pathetic and shining example of how not to behave.  It is a good illustration of how one's negative thoughts and attitude can spiral out of control and create a wholly unpleasant experience for everyone.  I'm willing to laugh and groan at my own weaknesses.  Looking at this helps me to address how I would have preferred to behave and how I can plant to behave in the future. 

On the outset, I'll say that as temperaments go, I have a slow-to-adapt (to change), and rather negative mood temperament.  I often see the glass as always half empty.  I'm not very optomistic by nature.  I have to work hard at it.  And sometimes I fail at it.  Go easy on me...I'm a work in progress.

May 8th was my 50th birthday, AND my wedding anniversary, AND, as happens only once every 6 years, it was also Mother's Day.  I was watching as my high school classmates turned 50 and did milestone things like take a trip to Hawaii, or jump from an airplane...cool stuff...stuff to mark the occasion and claim their 50th with a firm embrace.  I wanted to do that.  I wanted to mark it in a special way.

Only we aren't made of money, and neither my husband or myself are very creative...nor do we often enjoy the same activities.  He's an outdoor guy...I only like that if I'm on a beach with a drink with an umbrella in it.  I'm a bit of an indoor princess.  I don't like bugs or snakes or going potty outdoors.

Anyway, after much thinking...what would we BOTH enjoy?  What doesn't cost too much money?  What doesn't use up vacation days or need us to travel too far away?  What would mark the occasion in a memorable way and be a little out of the box for me?  Finally, I came upon the idea of going to a nearby lake, renting a cabin, and going on a horseback ride.  It was a compromise.  Sort of outside, sort of inside, a little comfy, and the horse does the hiking.  And I haven't been on a horse since sometime in early high school.  It would challenge me a little, but not too much.

 So we made our reservations and plans and took off after my husband got off work on a Friday, and arrived at our destination about 8 pm.  It all sort of unraveled from there, and I became a shrew.

The cabin was expensive (for us) and certainly was rustic and smelly.  Totally not worth the price we paid.  And somebody was in our parking spot in front of our cabin.  And then someone else came later and blocked us in with two large, noisy diesels.

And there was a ghost in our room that kept me awake all night...she stood by my bed and stared at me...and the room smelled badly of cigarette smoke even though nobody was smoking and it was a non-smoking room.

And they put the TV on a dresser at the HEAD of the bed so we couldn't watch TV from bed.  Who DOES that?

The next day, my husband calls the horse rental place that we had checked with.  Despite having told us via email that they would be open, when we called them once arriving, they had decided to be closed that weekend.  My husband said OK, and hung up.  OK?  What???  GIVE ME THAT PHONE!

 While they still decided to remain closed, I managed to impress upon them my dissatisfaction with "ruining my birthday, anniversary, and Mother's Day, and costing us a special trip for nothing, and costing us money we couldn't afford", I received comp tickets for a longer trip at a later time...for free.  Only right then...it wasn't much of a consolation.  I had my knickers in a full-on twist.  Diapers fully knotted.  Attitude set on "bite me".

Then my husband says..."well...do you want to go for a walk" (which in his language is...do you want me to walk you into the ground until you beg for death while I walk like a 5 year old mountain goat).  "NO!" I said (in a way that sounds like I'm stomping my foot), "I said I didn't want to 'hike'...that's what the horses were for!".  "So...we're just going to stay in the cabin and watch cable?"  "May as well!".  Eventually, I threw my clothes on like someone trying to swat mosquitoes and stomped out the door.  Even though we only walked around town, and along the lake shore, my feet hurt, and I didn't want to do it.  And I was mad.  My lower lip was quivering and I feared tears.  I DON'T CRY.

During the walk I was quiet.  Quiet on the outside.  Poor man knew something was really wrong.  Inside I was having a running Zen dialogue.  "You can choose to be angry and ruin this weekend, or you can adjust your attitude and rise above it and make it fun anyway.  You can make lemonade out of lemons.  You can choose to let this setback keep you down, or you can get a grip.  It's just a day.  A birthday/anniversary/Mother's Day/milestone/50th, is just a day.  Just a day or weekend like all the rest that came before and all that will come after.  Nothing bestows specialness on it.  Quit being such an embarrassing tantruming baby and pull yourself together."  on the other hand, I was "feeling my feelings fully", and my feelings were hurt, and I was angry and disappointed, and my expectations of a photo op on horseback and bonding with horses, and riding into the beautiful mountains was dashed.  I had prepared myself with warm clothing, and tick repellant, and I was prepared to buck up when and if the forecast snow and rain came.  I would be a cowboy, I would buck up and ride off into the timber.

No...I would walk around town, and watch home make-over shows in a stinky, haunted cabin with a bewildered looking husband only reminding me with his silence and concerned expression what an ass I was being.

We stopped for lunch in the town grocery store and "grill".  Nothing vegetarian on the menu.  Nothing.  So I asked if they could make me the deli sandwich but hold the meat and just put whatever veggies on it they had in the kitchen.  When it arrived it was on the smushiest white wonder-like bread I had ever seen.  I hated that stuff when I was little.  White bread.  Does anybody eat that anymore?  Apparently they do up here...where nobody goes without meat EVER.  So I ate it.  Other than the bread it wasn't half bad.  It was served with regular Lay's potato chips.  People at those?  I ate them AND my husband's bag.  Mayo squished out onto my hands.  I don't eat mayo.  I am being such a bitch.  I can't stand myself, nor stop myself from creating a train wreck that just keeps going from bad to worse.

When we finish, I walk over to the grocery side and begin to load my arms with candy bars.  If I'm going off the deep end, I'm going with chocolate. And my husband discovers that they have Tillamook ice cream.  He tempts me with it.  We take our haul to the register, pay for lunch and snacks, and the waitress says, "hey, lucky you!  This ice cream is half off, because it's too old...it's been in the freezer since sometime LAST summer."  She says this with a smile, like we just won the lottery.  The laughter is starting to bubble up from the depths of my soul.  NO....I will not!  I cannot risk laughing with a fine layer of sticky white bread coating each of my front teeth.  We buy the petrified ice cream leather and head back out.

I turn on the TV again.  It didn't even rain that day...their was even sun.  It would have been a GREAT day for a freaking horseback ride.  My husband is bored to death.  He's active.  He needs to be doing.  I say "ya know, you can go on a hike and take some photos.  I can't possibly be in a worse mood, so I won't be mad."  He goes for a hike (and to get away from ME, no doubt), while I eat candy bars, take a nap, and watch TV.  We prepaid for the room.  We have to say.  We are going to stick out this romantic milestone weekend or die trying.  Only one more night to go.

At least I slept. I must have successfully moved that ghost on down the trail.  There was a large wedding party at the cabin area.  Ahhh, young love.  My husband was probably wondering if we would make it to our next anniversary.  I really was trying to suck it up, but the effort didn't show.

That night we went to dinner at another local establishment.  Looked good from the outside...looked fine on the inside.  Service was fast.  Once again, no vegetarian items on the menu, so I asked if we could improvise.  I had a fajita...hold the meat...add guacamole and mushrooms.  But does anybody ever adjust the price DOWN when they've excluded the most expensive item from the dish?  Oh no.  And everything tasted like it came from a can and the cans were dented and on clearance (sort of like that ice cream).  I had a hard time getting the meal down.  But I was determined not to complain.  No, I would eat that tripe and smile about it.  And as it turned out, the husband and wife owners of the establishment were having a difficult time disguising their dislike for each other.  I wonder if she had hoped to go horseback riding and the darn place was closed.  At the end of the meal, my husband looks at my spotlessly clean plate and says "So, was your dinner good?"  God help him.  That was a mistake.

Back to our room we ate the entire quart of leathery, crystalized, old ice cream.  Hey, at least it was chocolate!  Watched some more home improvement shows while laying upside down in our bed to see the TV.  And the next morning, May 8th, the morning of the tri-fecta holiday....it was snowing.  Actually, it was sort of pretty.  Who knew that would be the high point of the weekend.  Rather than linger, I suggested we just head home.  I had had just about all the fun I could handle.  I needed to go soak my saddle sores.  Oh, that's right...we didn't ride horses...I almost forgot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I said, "why don't we head home and go to the grand opening of the new nursery in town and I'll get some new bedding plants.".  So we did...only they were closed.  So we went to another nearby town to another nursery and bought plants in the freezing rain.

So this vegetarian ate KFC for her birthday/anniversary/Mother's Day dinner and watched some more TV and went to bed.  I'm waiting to be served with divorce papers.

On the plus...we were together.  My husband is a gem.  And we saw deer...lots of deer.  And we saw three bald eagles.  Here is a photo my husband took.


Next year will be better.  How could it be worse?  I shouldn't ask that should I?

Do you have a worse birthday ever story?  I would sure love to hear it!  When I turned 21, I drank too much and threw up all night and wanted to die.

My BEST birthday ever was third grade...I got a bike.  A brand new bike that my sisters hadn't ridden yet.  A bike with a banana seat with flowers on it, wide handlebars with streamers, and a white basket with plastic flowers on it.  It was mine...all mine.  And brand new.  Or, when I turned 5, we went to Disney Land (well that wasn't the purpose, but I wanted to believe the trip was all about me).  What was your BEST birthday ever?

50.  That's only half of my life so far.  I still have half left to go.  Good thing. It might take me that long to work on my Zen.  I did apologize for my bad birthday girl behavior.  Maybe the divorce papers will get lost in the mail.

It sort of reminds me of the special romantic getaway I planned where we forgot the prepaid tickets to the museum, and I inadvertently (trying to save money) booked us into a hotel in a bad part of town...over a gay bar...with no air conditioning in the summer...and no screens on the window...the smell of cigarettes and beer wafting up and the yelling and conversations from the patrons outside the bar co-mingling with the mysterious white crusty stains on the furniture.  I was afraid to get undressed.  And there was an adjoining bathroom door to somewhere.  That was another lip quivering night.  I've learned that my husband could sleep...even if he was lit on fire or dropped in a snake pit.

Now, with some time (about a week of perspective), I see how ridiculous and silly all of this looks.  Actually, I could see it THEN, but my mood was on a run-away train going south and I just let it.  I didn't have tools in place to really turn myself around.  I realize now, of course, that the horse pack station had a mishap;  the shoer for the horses did not show up the day before as planned.  And maybe they figured it was so early in the season that they wouldn't make much money that weekend either.  I can't totally fault them.  And my attitude is my responsibility, not theirs.  Plans change.  Things happen.  It is what we choose during those times that shapes us and shows us where our rough edges still are.  I think it might be best to make tentative plans always, because things can happen.  A contingent plan is good too, but even those can fall down around you.  Going with the flow can be a pretty good plan.  My husband is really good at that.  Nothing seems to get him down.  OK, maybe *I* can get him down with my constant glass-half-empty junk, but otherwise, he's an easy-going fella.  One of the MANY reasons I love him.  Had I focused on love, all would have been well.  Because anyplace, doing anything or nothing with him is a pretty wonderful place to be.

Return to the Gym

I'm a quitter.  I'll admit that right up front.  I dislike exercise with a something resembling hate.  I grew up thin...almost too thin.  Pregnancy changed all that, as did age.  Back in my early and mid 20's, following the birth of my son and my 65 lb weight gain, I started going to a gym.  Eventually I began competing in bodybuilding competitions.

Sometime later, with multiple surgeries for Endometriosis, and multiple rounds with various hormonal treatments, and surgical menopause, I discovered that it didn't seem to matter if I exercised or not, ate air or ate Tinkies, I gained weight and kept the weight.  So I began to not care, and to enter into episodic exercise.

In the spring, I have renewed energy and I usually undertake some form of exercise daily.  It could be classes, swimming, weight lifting, or even dance or yoga.  Then the cool weather and dark mornings hit and I hibernate like a bear until spring.  And the cycle is renewed.

I just emerged from my cave and began going to the gym with my husband every morning at o-dark-thirty...or the crack of doom...you choose.  He never misses a weekday workout.  He's a god.  I bow before him.  Makes me a little sick.  But once again I returned to the gym and tried to find my way back into some sort of exercise routine.  Good for my aging bones, good for strength and flexibility.  I tell myself these things because it has not made any difference in my weight/size.  I have to come to peace with my new, middle aged body.  I have to learn to love and accept her.  And that's hard to do in a gym.

Every time I start back, I remember how inadequate and inferior I allow the gym to make me feel.  There are so many young people.  Hot bodies...like I used to have.  People who are stronger, more determined, more intense and dedicated, and frankly, more awake than I am.  I compare myself.  And there is no end to the mirrors!  I also try to hold my body to my 20-something standard, and people....it is NOT there anymore.

So how DO I make peace with my new body, and it's new and depreciating levels of function?  I need to do it, because I'm only getting older, right?  I want to learn to love my body.  It's the only one I've got.  I want to learn to love exercise...movement is good for me and will help me to keep doing my regular daily activities longer.  But right now...underneath it all...I want my body from my 20's (and I didn't like it THEN either), and I want my va-va-va-voom, from then.  But I just turned 50.  I have to get a grip.

I'm reminded of a line from a preview for a sit com I saw recently.  A young hot chick, walks up to a (probably 40 year old) middle aged woman, and says "Mam, are you finished with that machine?" to which the "elder" replies "MAM??? MAM?????  First, I'm going to go into the locker room and cry my eyes out.  Then I'm coming back out here to physically fight you."  That's how I feel.

Have you been successful with coming to terms and falling in love with the new you as you age?  Certainly, I know that the alternative is death...and I don't want that.  But sometimes I mourn my youth...not the drama of it, but the physical vitality of it.  I become more on the inside, as I become less on the outside...well less physically vibrant...certainly not less "girthsome".

Gyms can be hard on your ego...unless you're queen of the mountain.  I've moved from the being the hottie in the gym, to being the one they say "well, at least the old broad shows up and tries (5 months out of the year)".  I've got more tendonitis and joint pain than I used to also.  I can't lift as much or as many times.  I need more recovery time and sleep.  My grandmother was right.  Getting old can be the pits.

Ask me about my wisdom.  I can mop the floor with any young hottie in that department.  Bring it.

Just for fun, here is a photo of me taken recently, alongside a photo taken of me when I was 14.  I had the world in my hands, I just didn't know it. Which must mean I still have the world in my hands and need to know it.

A Ghost in Our Cabin

This is the cabin where we stayed over Mother's Day weekend.  I thought I would share with you a little experience we had there.

First of all, it is rather common for me to encounter ghosts in motel rooms (or in this case a cabin).  Especially if they are old.  I realize how many people commit suicide in motel rooms now, or who just have random spirits around them who may end up remaining behind.

We arrived at our destination around 8:30 in the evening.  It was a small town so the office was already closed for the evening.  They left our keys in the mailbox at the office.

So my husband didn't even go inside the office.  I watched him leave the car, walk about 10 feet, retrieve the keys and return to the car.  When he entered the car, so did an overwhelming scent of cigarette smoke.  Only he couldn't smell it.  I even sniffed the envelope and the receipt to see if it was coming from there, but it wasn't.  And this was a strictly enforced, non-smoking establishment.  Not being able to solve this mystery, we just went to our cabin.

All night, and I do mean all night, I was kept awake by a female ghost...who smoked.  The room smelled so bad of smoke that my throat hurt.  But my husband slept soundly.  The ghost was not a scary or mean one, just a lonely one.  She stood by my side of the bed and stared at me all night.  Her energy kept me hyper.

In my trying-to-sleep stupor, I tried to "cross her over" (which I don't even know if that happens).  I told her I could sense her but not help her.  I couldn't pick up on any thoughts or messages coming from her.  And I told her I was really really tired and I really needed to sleep.  I told her to please back her energy away from me so I could sleep.  I told her that if she was lonely, I saw no reason for her to hang out on that property or in the cabin.  Although I don't know exactly how it works, I told her that I had read and heard that she might see a bright light, or she might see an angel or an ancestor or relative that was waiting near her to assist her with moving on to a better place.  A place not so lonely or boring.  A place where she might be reunited with people she loves.

Eventually I slept.  While the room smelled "old" and "stale", I was not aware of the smell of smoke the following day and I was able to sleep the next night.  She must have moved on and taking her chain-smoking with her.

Product Review: Hanes Clothing for Women

Hanes makes a lot more than mens underwear.  They make clothing for men, women and children.  I have purchased quite a few items from Hanes online over the past few years and I have a sort of love-hate relationship with their products.  So here goes the good, the bad and the ugly.

First the good news.  They have some interesting clothing that is different in style than what I can find locally. It's fun to have something a little different.  For example, the little number shown here.  I ordered it, but after I ordered it I was notified it was out of stock.  Just as well.  I have a sad feeling that it wouldn't look quite a svelt on me with my middle aged spread as it does on this beautiful chicky.

The prices are reasonable...and who doesn't need that these days?  Shipping for items totally $50 is free.  And that's a sweet thing.

I have a collection of skirts in every color they offer.  I wear them in the summer in place of shorts.  I have a collection of every color of the rainbow tank tops.  I have a few of the tops that are unusual to give my casual wardrobe a little bit of spunk.

OK, now for the bad news.  In fact, I believe I've decided that I'm finished being tempted by their lowish prices, free shipping and cute styles.  And while we're on the topic, for many of the same reasons, I feel that way about ordering from Old Navy.

The prices may be low, but the quality tends to be as well.  Clothing items are typically very thin material.  They are poorly made and cut on the material wrong, so that they often shrink in a twist, or recently a skirt I ordered had the band wad up and twist inside the waistband casing and it was a bear to straighten out.  Length on things like tank tops will shrink enough that they are too short for me to wear with confidence that I won't be exposing my old-lady-fake-baby-bump if I raise my arms. 

Sizing can be off and not consistent.  Their bras are hard to beat on pricing.  They are adequate, but the material tends to be stiff and sometimes a tad scratchy.  The lack of quality materials is pretty obvious.  Delivery is often slow.  Items that were in stock when I placed my order may be out of stock after they process the order.  Out of stock items can take many months to become "in stock" again, or they may eventually tell me that the item is no longer available, even though it continues to be shown in every catalog I receive from then on.  I recently received two pair of capris and despite them being my size, they were too large AND even though one pair was navy and one pair was sort of a plum, they both had a fat white rope style draw string that looks really out of place...rather Ellie Mae Clampett if you remember that analogy.  And, if it matters to you, none of their clothing is made in the U.S.

For some items, all is well, and for others it is not.  Sometimes a bargain just isn't worth the inconsistency.  For things like inexpensive cotton panties (which I can buy at my local Wal-Mart), they are reasonably worth the tradeoff in quality for price.

Book Review: A Course in Weight Loss

A Course in Weight Loss; 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson takes a new and spiritual approach on a tired subject:  Weight Loss.  There are so many diet and nutrition and exercise books out there that beat us over the head with our failures of will, and "feed" us THE right way to success.  One would think that the issue of obesity would be solved by now with all of that stellar how-to information.

A Course in Weight Loss begins to address the deeper levels of why we overeat and brings us to a place of awareness about how our spirituality plays a most important role in this process. As stated, the lessons are dived into 21 parts.  They include prayers, meditations, journal assignments and "rituals".  The 21 Lessons are as follows:

• Tear Down the Wall
• Thin You, Meet Not-Thin You
• Build Your Altar
• Invoke the Real You
• Start a Love Affair with Food
• Build a Relationship with Good Food
• Love Your Body
• Surrener to the Divine
• Inhabit Your Body
• Consecrate Your Body
• Ritualize the Change in You
• Commit to Yourself
• Feel Your Feelings
• Allow the Pain
• Exit the Alone Zone
• Discipline and Descipleship
• Forgive Yourself and Others
• Honor the Process
• Birthing Who You Really Are
• Soul Surgery
• The Body Brilliant

A section in the back of the book is full of blank journal pages should you wish to use your book as a workbook.

I adore Marianne Williamson.  Some of my favorite quotes come from her.    As a therapist, I have long since known that issues of weight are common to those who have suffered abuse.  They build a large shell around themselves for protection and it has served them well.  Losing weight without addressing how to feel safe is futile.  By the same token, I've worked with women who were too thin.  The theme of their life?  "I don't deserve to take up space".  I believe it is true that the messages we "feed" ourselves, can directly translate into our physiology.  Our psychology becomes our biology.

I was of mixed mind while reading this book.  I don't believe that all resistance is a signal of being in denial or not being ready for change (especially if it's MY resistance).  In large part, the books activities didn't resonate well with me, while the purpose and general messages did.  I'm not a journal-type person.  Interesting that I write all the time, but don't journal.  To me, journaling is redundant.  I already thought it, I'm not writing it.  And I struggle hard with symbolism.  I don't have the most abstract brain in the world.  I'm a linear thinker.  So many of the ritualized exercises in the book struck me as "not my cup of tea".

In addition, the book's spiritual perspective tended to be too ambiguous. It takes a primarily traditional  Christian perspective in wording (at least that's how I felt), while trying to speak generally to all beliefs. I would say that for plain-Jane, middle of the road Christians (who would that be, Protestants?) the wording would be a good fit. For atheists or for those for whom continued use of the word God is a rub, this book might irritate more than it soothed.  And for those in more fundamentalist Christian sects, the book would be too "new agey".  It failed, in my opinion to strike a neutral balance accessible to all audiences. I was raised Christian and have moved to a more spiritually eclectic place and the wording was off-putting to me as it sounded too much like a church study group.

That being said, there is a strong spiritual and psychological component to weight loss and Marrianne touches on this beautifully.  I underlined many quotes and I reflected on the words within even though I opted out of the activity portion deemed so vital to the process.  I still think I gained good information about myself and my relationship to my body.  I DO recommend this book as it is quite new and different from the weight loss approaches on the market and addresses an area that is oft overlooked.  I would urge those who fall on the outer edges of intense religiosity, or intense disdain for it as well as those, who like myself, are unlikely to participate in ritual, journaling, or prescribed prayer scripts to try to suspend judgment;  to refrain from throwing out the baby with the bathwater.  Because there are pearls here that speak between all that you might find incongruous to your personal style or beliefs.  Take the time to find the pearls and shelve your tightly held positions for a time.

I will leave you with some of my favorite, thought-provoking quotes from the book:

• "The weight had merely been a physical manifestation of my need to keep others at bay."
• "The weight you are seeking to let go of was added to your consciousness before it was added to your body.  Your body is merely a screen onto which is projected the nature of your thoughts.  When the weight is gone from your consciousness, it will be gone from your physical experience."
• "You are carrying your burdens around - not only with you but on you."
• "You're you, whether you're eating wisely or eating excessively.  But when you're eating wisely, you're expressing love for yourself.  When you're eating excessively, you're expressing fear."
• "The purpose of this lesson is to support you in reconciling your relationship with Not-Thin You.  She is not your enemy; she is an unintegrated part of yourself.  She is an aspect of you that is demanding to be seen and heard."
• "...you will no longer need to puff yourself up in an effort to make yourself big enough to handle your problems.."
• "You were created to travel lightly on this planet, with the same sense of relaxed joy that little children have.  As soon as you lighten up your mind, your body will lighten up as well."
• "Problems arise, both conscious and unconscious and instead of giving them up, you take them in.  You subconsciously make your body a larger size in order to contain your large problems.  You try to create a big enough container to carry all your issues, when you shouldn't be carrying all those issues to begin with!"
• "Your deepest fear is of being beautiful.....compulsive eating is tied to a fear of sex and of being sexy...When I'm beautiful, I don't know how to handle the sexual attention..."
• "Spiritually, you want to lose weight not just to become less flesh, but to become more spirit."
• "It ultimately doesn't matter so much how the trauma occurred, as much as that you repair the gaping wound it left within you."
• "While overeating would be seen by some as an indulgence of self, it is in fact a profound rejection of self.  It is a moment of self-betrayal and self-punishment, and anything but a commitment to one's own well-being.  Why would you be able to commit to a diet if you're not already consistently committed to yourself.....There's no reason to think that you'll be capable of loyalty to a diet until you address your basic disloyalty toward yourself.  Until your fundamental relationship with yourself is healed, then your relationship to food is doomed to be neurotic."
• "Looking back into your childhood isn't about figuring out whom you can blame, or building a case to justify feelings of victimization.  It's simply about identifying your wound so the medicine of love can be applied correctly...A way to repair a broken childhood is to allow God to re-parent you."
• "Try to forgive those who in their ignorance sought to block your truth, whether five minutes ago of 40 years ago.  And try to forgive yourself for all the years you have failed to listen to yourself....Someone somewhere didn't listen to your heart, and as a consequence you stopped listening to it, too...you subconsciously follow the dictates of a ghost."
• "The only feelings you really need to fear are those you ignore."
• Any pathological tendency - overeating included - represents the twisted energy of unprocessed pain."
• "A wall went up around you physically and energetically as you learned to dissociate from others in ways both large and small."
• "Too much attention to the earth plane creates undue stress on the body."
• "Losing weight is a by-product of choosing a happier life."

And, perhaps the greatest quote from Marianne Williamson of all time:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."