Quitting My Job

I'm still cleaning out old files and emails that I've saved.  As I do, and decide to write about them (or not), I delete them.  It's a slow process, but it's cathartic.

I don't remember if I ever wrote about  how it came into being that I quit my job....seemingly for good so far.

I had been working some part time jobs in social work after receiving my master's degree and I found I wasn't happy with any of them.  In fact, going into social work may have been a big mistake for me.  My empathy is too great and the bureaucracies and systems drive me ape-shit.  But that's neither here nor there now.

I had been feeling this odd sense of unrest, and discontent and pulling.  At about the same time, my hours on various jobs kept getting reduced or funding for my positions eliminated.  There came a point at which I was only contracted for 8 hours a week.  It was more "mad money" than a job by this point.  I had just recently married my Sweet Baboo and I was having a lot of anxiety around keeping myself separate and independent.  Having lost everything in my first marriage, I was bound and determined to, in my own mental words, "never depend on another living soul again as long as I lived."  Yet here I was.

I could have hit every potential job opportunity that came my way but I found I was inexplicably turning job offers down, and pulling away from the profession...while not understanding and feeling scared about it.  At one point, I remember the utter panic that I felt with deciding to give up my bank account.  It felt like being cut adrift.  But truly, there wasn't enough money in it to justify keeping it.

I kept having this sickening feeling, I was being called, as part of my journey, to learn to trust again.  To learn that no matter what happened I would have the skill to survive any eventuality and I would be OK.  But in order to know this...I had to let go.  That's what the inner calling of my soul felt like.  Was I hearing this correctly??  Oh HEAVENS!

This was in early November, 2008.  At this time I was still trying to make myself go to church even though it was becoming more and more apparent that my spirituality was diverging from organized religious dogma.  But...there I was...sitting in church...and I "heard" this message "Your journey of dependency is not yet complete."  Now the weird thing about psychic messages, is that they almost always have an internally understood message that might not match exactly the "words" of the message.  That message, without any doubt was telling me to give up my job where I was clinging to 8 stinking hours a week, and trust my husband, and trust myself...to learn how to trust a partner again.  And I didn't like it one little bit.

I basically...in my head...refused.  Suddenly, I had the mother of all hot flashes and I just kept getting hotter and hotter with sweat pouring down my face.  I thought I might pass out.  Then, in my head I basically yelled "OH ALL RIGHT!  FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!".  Talk about "being taken to church"!

My husband was away hunting.  By the time he got home, I had quit my jobs.  One was working relief hours at home health and hospice, and the other was as a social worker in a dialysis clinic.  Both jobs that were oh-so-not-right for me, but jobs that my employer felt I was fantabulous at.  They were surprised.  Stunned even.  Did I need more money?  Was there something they could do to change my mind?  Was I alright?  And it was hard to say that I just needed to quit...um...why?  Because God told me to??  I just said I needed to quit and it was time for me to move on and there was nothing bad...it was just a poor fit.

During this process, I had lots of divination card decks.  I've since given them all away because I really didn't use them much, but I had an Angel/Healing Deck, and I pulled an Angel card for direction or inspiration.  This is what that card said:

You are a spiritual teacher and an avid learner. Learning and teaching are linked in a perfect cycle, in which information comes to you when you need it. Teach others about the topics that awaken your passions. The more you teach, the more your lessons are reinforced within yourself. Be open to sharing new ideas, and learning about topics that are not in your immediate sphere of interest. Your students will teach you in many ways too. Trust in your teaching and learning abilities, as your mind is one with the Divine mind of God. You are an intelligent and wise being. Know that it's safe in this lifetime, for you to be outspoken in your teachings.

That message seems even more profound now than it did then.  Since that time, I tried my hand at an energy healing business but honestly, nobody was terribly interested...or they wanted to come and not pay...which would have not been so bad except that I had expenses associated with the business.  Plus, I realized that even though I had a talent for it, I only wanted to work with select people...people that I was guided to help.  So that went bust after a struggling two years.  I still do the work on rare occasion, but I think the universe was telling me that this wasn't it either.  I kept looking for the match up of money and the right work.  I think I have to divorce those two completely before they will remarry.

Then I started blogging, which I've been doing for nearly two years now...or is it three?  Whatever.  I see my blog as a way to share, teach, and reinforce my own lessons in the process...just like that message says.

It was hard to try to explain to my husband why I quit my jobs while he was away hunting.  I'm sure he's felt an added sense of financial burden (while appreciating an added sense of having everything at home well-managed).  How do you tell someone who doesn't really understand what moves through you..."um...hey...I felt like I was supposed to do this so I did.."? That sounds hokey and hinky right?

I even asked a mentor..."how do I explain this?"   This was the response:

Simply say,
Please trust in me and if not me than in the Creator I serve with each breath I am given.

Well...those aren't exactly "me" sorta words if you know me.  The employers didn't understand.  Sweet Baboo probably didn't understand, but he's an awesome man. Plus...the income I was bringing in by that time was so pathetic that he probably never missed it.  And I'm happier at home.  I'm more peaceful.  I have time to be more introspective and to get deeper into my spiritual journey.  I'm not as stressed as I was when I was working and our home reflects this.  Heck, I've even learned to cook!  A little...sort of...well?