Tough Love is Really TOUGH! Part 1 of 2

As many of you know by now, I have an adult son with chronic mental illness.  It's always been a struggle.  We've been through a lot together.  I'm still going through old saved documents and sorting and deleting as I go.  Sort of a purging of the past.  I came across this letter that I sent to my son a couple of months before his 18th birthday.  He was already living out of the home in a semi supervised mental health apartment setting.  It wasn't going so well.

I knew I could not rescue him from his choices.  I had to make my stand very clear with no wiggle room.  Here then, is that letter.

03-26-02

Dear Peanut,

            As I understand it, you have or soon will be evicted from your apartment because the team at mental health has told your caseworker that your failure to follow the rules or the multitude of warnings has forced them to follow-through with the promised consequences.  I may not have all of the information correct, but I believe you are to be moved out by the last day of April.

            I am so sorry that you are having such difficulty making appropriate choices but I am forever hopeful and believing in you and in God’s ability to direct you.  I  need for you to know that because you have repeatedly begged me to “leave you alone”, “let you go”, “let you make your own decisions”, I am going to try very hard to honor that.  What this also means is I will try not to interfere with your experience of the products of your decisions and choices.  For that reason, you need to know ahead of time that moving back home is not an option, and that neither ______ nor I will be helping you to move.

            I am worried about your health with the onset of asthma.  Now that your lungs have been compromised, you will be more susceptible to future attacks.  Even if you totally quit smoking, you will still be at risk to have attacks just from exposure to second hand smoke.  That is probably why you had a touch of asthma as a toddler (your birth father smoked in the house) and why you didn’t have it growing up (no smoke in the house and very little exposure to those who did smoke).  What will you do when your inhaler runs out?

            I am afraid for you because the Dr. said these attacks could kill you.  If you have another attack, you need to call 911 and be transported to the emergency room by ambulance.  I am not comfortable transporting somebody who is not breathing well.  I don’t have the training to help you with that.  It is also important that you learn to realize that as an adult, you will need to deal with the consequences of choosing to smoke or be around second hand smoke when you have asthma, and this includes getting medical attention for yourself.  According to the new Care Oregon card (enclosed), Dr. _________ is the doctor your insurance has assigned you to.  Let somebody know BEFORE you need to see a doctor if you want help trying to choose a different doctor, otherwise, you will have to see her for your medical needs, or go to the emergency room if it is an emergency.

            I know you may not agree, understand, or may be angry with my decision to allow you to experience and cope with the outcome of your choices, but I plan to stick firm to my choice to do so even though it causes me great pain to see you suffer or be unhappy.  It is time for you to be a man.

                        I will try hard not to come over or call.  If you want the small Easter basket I have for you, call on Sunday (Easter).  If you want to talk sometime, just call.  If you want to see me or spend time with me, or go get a Coke, I would love that.  I am not going to make myself available for most favors because you need to learn to rely on yourself and to choose honest, faithful, dependable friends.

I love you more than anyone or anything on the planet.  Don’t ever forget how talented, smart and deeply loved you are.  God does not make mistakes.  All things happen for some purpose even if they are difficult or the purpose is not readily apparent.  Use the gifts and opportunities God has given you.  I believe in you.  You are precious to me and to God and you will always be uplifted to Him in my prayers. 

I love you so much!