Monday, August 19, 2013
Journey into Pelvic Healing - Part 8
It was sort of about confidentiality but not really. The word wasn't secret...but "sacred". That my healing time with her was sacred and that it was going to take both of us to new places we had never been before and that for the most part, our sessions needed to remain between us. It can be hard not to share such interesting work and the idea wasn't that it not be shared so much as that my name or me not be attached the sharing. So why am I blogging about it?
Here, I have a level of anonymity blogging under a "ghost writer pen name". Locally, that is not the case. While the town I live in (very rural) has many progressive and gifted healers drawn to the area, there is also a great deal of fundamentalism and fear. Even among some healers there is egoistic competition. The message was that it was important to share the information but that since it was flowing through us and not from us, it being attached to us doing it was unimportant, and in fact might draw some negative energy from others. People are curious, envious...human. For whatever reason, in this life or just at this juncture in this life, I'm uber sensitive to the energy of others. If the therapist shares what happened in our sessions with other therapists in her office, or with other clients as she tries to explain what happens in sessions, it is more important to discuss it in generalities than in specifics or that it happened with ME. The energy from others during this vulnerable time reaches me even if they are thinking of me and wondering about me. Part of the reason I'm very selective in my social attachments and a lot of the reason I lead a secluded life. For whatever reason, it seemed important that I voiced that to the healer. So I did.
Also, during this meditation time, I saw the dancing woman/uterus again and in a copy/paste, point and click type maneuver, I saw myself making copies of her and clicking them into other people. Family members, the healer, people I know with pelvic issues (which, let's face it...is most women to one degree or another...even if they are unaware of it), then in rapid expansion it was like "stamp, stamp, stamp", little replicas of her going out to women everywhere...again from that wagon-wheel image...ancestors, past lives, other planets, other dimensions...anyone who needed this maternal healing of their core creative space.
While it doesn't make a whole lot of PHYSICAL sense, what also came through was that in an unusual fashion, I was detoxing through my head. Castor oil packs may provide liver and other organ detox and softening of scar tissue etc and may, like taking castor oil orally, induce detox symptoms...feeling unwell, bowel "disturbance"....what you might expect if toxins were released into your system...which is what happens during detox...they are already IN your system but need to be released.
Since our work began, I've been experiencing increased headaches, some loss of appetite, even some gut pain...but most of the detox symptoms are landing from the neck up: sinus pain and lots of sinus drainage..even passing bloody clots (which I used to do from the other end when I was able...but after a total hysterectomy, the upper end of the vagina is sewn closed). Heat pouring out of my head (and hands and feet). Swollen lymph nodes in my neck and even some in my breasts and underarms. The odd, occasional sore throat. Allergy symptoms. Jaw or tooth pain.
I've experienced detox via cleanses and energy work and physical therapy before so it doesn't alarm me. It feels at the moment like my immune system is struggling a bit to keep up with the changes and the toxins being released. I've amped up my vitamin/supplement intake, and I typically get plenty of rest and have access to rest time whenever I need it. I'm lax with vitamins and supplements during the summer because my body just feels like it's plenty healthy enough without them.
I've had other healers sense that in this life or at this time in this life, my energy with others works much like a dialyser or filter. Or as one person put it "you take the crap from other people, run it through your filter and return health to them". As you can imagine, this is not a beneficial way to do healing work because a filter gets clogged and then, well..you can imagine what it might feel like to hold other people's illnesses and pains and traumas. Even when I don't intend it, it happens. I'm on a learning curve to turn it around or at the very least, insulate myself. I believe this has contributed to my slow functioning bladder, kidneys and liver and adrenals. No amount of herbal intervention seems to do the trick. I believe it to be old, multi-generational and multi-life related. I tend to bring in energy through the top of my head...or my "blow-hole" as I call it. So in some ways, it makes energetic sense that if I bring crap in (as well as good energy) through my "blow hole" or crown chakra, it would make sense that during detox, it is exiting the way it came in. It doesn't make PHYSICAL sense, but it makes energetic sense.
That's just the stuff/awareness/ideas that came BEFORE I even GOT to my session. I shared these thoughts with the healer and she said "Well, I've been praying about you and it feels like today is the day with start the intervaginal work." I knew we were moving in this direction. I've had some intervaginal physical therapy before...by a anesthesiologist of all people, who was studying alternative options for scar release work (he's also a pain management specialist, and an acupuncturist). It was a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable with him, but again, I experienced sensations in other parts of my body where the scar tendrils (think of them like far-reaching spider webs) had attached. But that's another story for another day.
I can't really adequately or accurately explain intervaginal work. Here is a link that covers it to some degree. It is controversial since we live in a world where there are lawsuits and abuses. It is such a feminine work that I can't imagine engaging in it fully with a male practitioner (although we've all had plenty of exams by male doctors). To go into it fully open, trust needs to be absolute. If you engage in it, know your practitioner, or at least a good friend who recommends one. It involves reclaiming your most precious, creative core, your sexuality, your inner goddess...all of it.
I kept my shirt on (both figuratively and literally) and laid on the massage table under a sheet (not a nasty paper napkin)...I could have even had a soft blanket had I wanted one...but it's August. I was naked from the waist down.
She explained to me "you don't get to check out...you need to be present and aware". Women...especially traumatized women have learned how to leave that area and shut it down. All kinds of things can be happening but we're just not there. I learned this early on with the pain of periods...the pain of childbirth...with some sexual abuse by my first husband...or even sexual harassment from other men during my life...I could just simply not be there. Doctors had invaded me so many times it just doesn't feel like it's even MINE anymore. So I said I was totally willing to be present but didn't know when I left so she would need to help me stay on track. She said she can feel when the energy leaves the pelvis so would just tell me to return my energy there.
I asked how to do that. Do I just think about my vagina, or focus energy there or what? She said in even just asking, she felt the energy return. So, even sort of picturing it, or paying attention to what you feel happening.
Instead of KY for lubrication, the healer used organic coconut oil on her gloved hand. I laid on my back, both legs on the table, one leg was straight and the one nearest her was just bet and flopped out to the side. I could move my legs whenever I wanted to to reposition them to be more comfortable. She put her hand under the sheet and melted the coconut oil against me and primarily had a finger against me while her other hand rested on my abdomen on top of the sheet. I'm sure all sessions are different and all practitioners and clients are different. I can only speak to this one session, and us...so far. She told me she may not even end up going inside, she may just stay at the opening today, depending on my body and what it would permit. She can feel the energy and the subtle movements of the tissue and fascia. You don't force scar tissue to move.
With VERY and I mean VERY gentle movement (sometimes so subtle I couldn't even feel it), she moved against the scar tissue at the opening of my vagina. I had a flash memory of my x husband looking at it for me after childbirth...I was afraid to...so many stitches, so much pain. He said it looked like a bad chainsaw accident. Yeah, thanks for that. She mostly worked in the first few centimeters of the opening. The scar tissue is extensive.
At one point she said she needed air, and had to step out for a minute. I could tell that energetically she was impacted by something she felt. She seemed almost ill. I've been there when doing energy work on others, so it didn't seem odd, and I totally respect her for taking care of herself. When she returned she said she didn't know what happened. I told her that at that moment, I was having a flash memory of having had my son at a university hospital because that was the only hospital that would take me since I was poor. My check ups leading up to delivery often involved up to 8 students. Sometimes they would put a small barrier like a curtain at waist level so my upper body and face was out of site. Like I was a model or cadaver for them to examine. I could hear them talking about how dilated I was or this and that while each and every one of them took a turn giving me a pelvic. Not quite like a gang rape but so dehumanizing...not to mention, often painful. She said that it made sense, because she felt anger...like someone who examined me was pissed that I was a "pregnant welfare mom" that they "had to" "deal with". So while I just saw the memory as a picture, she actually felt it...and had to flee the room. Maybe in that moment, she did for me, what I couldn't do back then...get up and leave.
With a gifted healer, there is transference...it just happens. Good communication and good self care is vital.
We continued on. She tried again. This time, she made it fully inside...I think. I can't always tell what's going on down there. She was doing some abdominal massage and manipulation at the same time and I could feel the pulling of scar tissue throughout my entire abdomen...all the way to the sides and up to my ribs. I could feel unwinding in my neck and head. I felt burning sensations down the inside of my right leg (which, by the way has nerve damage from a prior surgery). I felt things mostly everywhere else, not really in my vagina. Could be I'm blocking still. Toward the end, as she began to move slowly out, she spent a bit more time on the opening again and that rather smarted a bit. It will be a process of slowly and gently getting some more elasticity into the tissues. This will be something she will teach me to do and teach my husband to help me with. Sure he'll be all kinds of embarrassed to come to a session and have her teach him, but he's a trooper.
As I wrote this I was aware of trying to change language to have it not sound sexual. We're so afraid of any type of work involving our sexual and sensual organs...we're so acculturated to pounce on sexual innuendo and make it "dirty". I can imagine that especially for men (and maybe some women), it seems impossible to imagine this type of work not being sexual in some way. I can't speak for all women, but for me and many I know, sexuality is mostly in the brain, with the sex organs coming along for the ride. If we're thinking of work or of a pelvic exam...sex is NOT even remotely on the radar screen. I experienced nothing that felt sexually stimulating. I felt...a bit guarded, a bit modest, a bit wary...this is a sacred trust and anyone who abuses that as a practitioner deserves the most fiery place in hell. But fear of that is not a reason to avoid it.
The therapist explained to me that the doctor she frequently works with suggested she take this course of training...and she didn't really know till she got there what all it entailed...and she had her OWN female issues to resolve. She said having the work done on her, and being in touch with that part of herself fully has literally changed her life. It intuitively and anatomically makes sense to me to try it too. I had a doctor offer to recut my perineum once. That didn't make sense to me. I said, no, but thanks just the same. My naturopath suggested some sort of massage to soften the aging tissue that was becoming less elastic and more rigid with scar tissue. It is sort of hard and awkward to REACH, much less to know the most helpful way to approach this. I'm up for learning. Cuz right now, it sort of feels like my hand is on upside down for working on the perineum.
We both survived the first intervaginal session. Where we go from here...time will tell.